It’s July 15th. That means that in roughly a month, most people will be headed back to school and your time with your friends from home is beginning to dwindle. Today being July 15th also means that it’s been roughly seven months (give or take) since I’ve set a fantasy football lineup. Basically, we’re getting pretty close to drafting. I know, it’s not here yet, but I can taste my team already (pause). In my personal opinion, there is no better way to assert domination over your closest friends than by beating them in fantasy, so the fact that we’re nearing draft night in the next month and a half or so is giving me so much happiness. In the past two years I’ve come in second and third in my school league, and I had a third-place finish three years ago in my league with my high school friends. Not winning has been brutal, especially given the amount of shit talking I do, but I’m ready to bounce back this year. Even if you don’t end up winning, though, there are some ways you can ensure that your fantasy football season goes as well as it can.
First, you’ve got to play for some money. Last year, a few of my college friends decided to be absolute pussies about the league, and we ended up playing for an $8 trophy instead of the money we should have been playing for. That’s not going to happen this year, and I suggest that you take the same steps. Paying for a fantasy league ensures that everyone will put some amount of effort in, and it gives the league actual stakes. But do you know what the most important part of making people pay for a league is? Since there is a prize for the winner, it means you can also do a punishment for the last place finisher. It makes the losers’ bracket a hell of a lot more competitive, and you also get to watch one of your friends humiliate themselves at the end of the season. I’ve waxed someone’s legs, watched someone spend an entire night on an elevator with a sign that read, “I suck at fantasy football,” and I’m waiting to shoot someone with paintball guns. The punishment is probably the most necessary piece of any fantasy football league, and if you don’t have one, you’re doing it wrong.
I haven’t consulted my friends at school about what the punishment will be for our league this year, but as the commissioner I take the severity and embarrassment of the punishment very seriously. It is seeming, however, that in my home league, the loser will have to spend 24 hours in a waffle house. Each waffle he eats will be an hour off of his time. When that happens, I’ll document it for all of you. It won’t be me (because I’m not a fucking moron), but you’ll get to see it. Don’t worry.
Fantasy football starting also means that it’s probably time for me to start binge watching The League again. If you haven’t seen it, give it a watch. It’s where I got the name “VinegarStrokes” from, after all. Shivakamini Somakandarkram, gentlemen.