1. Pronouns in the Bio
Look, if you want to let everyone who clicks on your profile know that you’re a “She/her” that’s perfectly fine. I don’t understand even a little bit why you feel the need to put it in your Instagram bio because seriously who the fuck cares but go ahead and put it in there. That does, however, automatically tell me that you and I will not ever be compatible. Why? Without giving out anything that will give everyone further grounds to cancel me, let’s just say that if you have your pronouns in your bio, it is a FACT that I will have to censor myself around you. And hey, shockingly, a guy who writes about poop and jerking off on the internet for anyone to see isn’t someone who wants to have to watch what he says. So, yeah, all you “She/hers” out there, I think it’s best for both of us if we keep some distance between us.
I don’t even know if I need to explain this one. If she rides horses as her primary hobby, there’s no doubt: she is FUCKING NUTS. I mean these are the girls that when we were eight would gallop around the recess yard neighing and doing whatever other stupid things horses do. I’m honestly shocked they’re allowed out in society with the rest of us. Now you’re asking me to consider dating one? Absofuckinglutely not. I challenge any of you to find me one of these girls that doesn’t belong in the all-female version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest because I swear to God not a singular one exists.
3. Has OnlyFans
I am in no way shitting on any girl who has the bravery to fuck herself on camera. That’s a noble profession, and may God bless you always for taking on that work. With that being said though, I feel like one of the nicer things about dating a girl is knowing that the only person who’s going to be seeing her naked is you. Call me old fashioned, but that’s just how I feel. If a forty-five-year-old guy with a credit card and an iPhone can see my significant other shove a dildo up her ass, I feel like it would just take some of the magic out of the relationship for me. That’s not to mention the fact that if she’s out there fingering herself on camera, she’s probably way too sexually advanced for me and that’s a little scary too.
4. Muscle Girls
Hey, I hope my girlfriend is in good shape. I really do. But there’s a difference between being in good shape and looking like you take roids. If she’s got a defined six-pack and bulging biceps, it’s going to be a hard no from me. I am all for doing squats to maximize the glutes, but if I take one look at you and know you could beat me in an arm-wrestling match, well, that’s just about as big a turn off as if you’re rockin’ a Lizzo bod. It’s just scientifically unattractive.
5. “Funny” Girls
I’m not going to say that no girls are funny. There are women out there with awesome senses of humor. Do I tend to not find women as funny as men? Yes. Is that because I am a man and not a woman and share humor more with people of my own gender? Also yes. But the point here isn’t about whether or not there are funny girls out there – because there absolutely are. It’s that there are a lot of girls out there who think they’re funny and constantly say that they’re funny. And let’s face it, 99% of that group is about as funny as any movie Amy Schumer has starred in. If you need to tell me that something that you did was funny as a preface to the story, it’s almost a guarantee that I won’t laugh. And when (that’s right, when) I don’t laugh, please don’t say, “How funny is that?” because I’m telling you that’s going to make me want to throw myself down several flights of stairs.