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Five Great Pieces of Advice

Never Trust a Fart

Speaking as someone who has pooped their pants more times than I care to admit, I’ve learned to live and breathe by this rule. If there’s any inkling that a poop is brewing in your stomach it should be your instinct to suppress all farts until that poop has been taken care of. Everybody knows not to do it when you’re in a dangerous situation, but where people get into trouble is when they’re “pretty sure” it’s just a fart. Spoiler alert: it’s probably poop.

Regularly Shave Your Nuts

It’s a known fact that going out and hooking up with a girl is never a sure thing for a guy. Because of that, some guys don’t consistently prep themselves – their nether-regions I should say – for the possibility of sex happening on any given night out at the bar. That’s rookie behavior. You should be taking care of business down their once a week to keep it trim and clean because you never know when it’s going to happen.

Always Poop Before the Bar

It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like you need to. Take a couple beers to the bathroom, open up TikTok, and squeeze one out. Sure, some bar poops are unavoidable, but for the most part, you can pretty easily take some poopy precautions to make sure you’re not the guy stinking up the place.  

Go to Student Health

Student Health at college is a crazy slept on spot because during the year, most colleges let you go there without any co-pays or insurance nonsense, which is great. The real big win of Student Health, though, is that they typically have free condoms, discounted Plan B, and free STI tests. It’s not well-advertised, but most schools have something along those lines.

Call the Uber to the Bar, Not Home

When going out with a group, it’s always better to not call any Ubers at all and just shoot someone a Venmo, but in some cases, you’re going to have to step up to the plate. In these scenarios, it’s always better to be the guy that calls the Uber on the way to the bar than the way home. Everyone will be a lot more sober, so you’re taking less risk of a $150 puke charge or one of your friends bringing up the “rigged 2020 election.”

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Written by VinegarStrokes

Above average intelligence, below average weiner.

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