The Major Complainer
One of the greatest things about college is that, as much as it sucks to go to class and do work, you get to pick the stuff you’re going to be learning about. It’s called selecting a major. But there’s always a bunch of assholes who decide that they have the right to complain about just how hard they have it because of how “difficult” their major is. My response to that? Maybe you should have picked something different then, don’t you think? I mean seriously. How am I supposed to have sympathy for you when you’re the one putting yourself through it? If you wanted an easy four years you should’ve majored in business.
The Bubble Invader
I never really had this issue before I got to college, but now it’s everywhere. I don’t mind dapping up my boy or giving a hug to someone, but there are a shit ton of people in college that simply refuse to give you two inches of space. They’ll plop down basically on top of you on a couch that’s big enough for three, and they think you’re joking when you tell them to fuck off. An announcement: no one is joking, so learn some fucking personal space boundaries.
The GroupMe Over-Talker
Having a GroupMe for class is awesome, and if you’re just starting out in college and don’t have any yet, I HIGHLY recommend you get them going next semester because it’s sometimes the only way you’ll actually know what’s going on. There will always be, though, some dickhead who thinks that everybody wants to hear what they have to say all day long. They treat it like some kind of social club, and you end up with fourteen messages a day from them alone. These people are the scum of the earth, so don’t be one of them.
The Mask Police
At many colleges (including mine), students currently have to wear masks during classes and while inside university buildings. As much as I hate wearing them, I do it because, well, what the fuck else am I going to do? But there are a lot of scumbags out there who will completely lose their mind when they see you pull down your mask to get a sip of water or scratch your nose. They can all fuck off. It’s bad enough that I spend most mornings throwing dirty clothes around my room in search of a mask that isn’t either broken or disgusting, but I don’t want to have to hear it from you about how I’m the dick for needing a sip of water. Get over yourselves.
The Power-Hungry RA
This is probably the biggest cock-monger you’ll meet in your four years, so just be grateful you only really have to deal with them freshman and sophomore year at most colleges. For some reason, there are RA’s out there – not the homie RA Jake, who let me be drunk in front of him every weekend of freshman year – who for some reason, think that because they are RAs they are “cool” or “powerful” in some way. They’re not. They’re just losers who couldn’t find ways to feel better than other people in any other aspects of their lives, so they now spend their weekends praying a freshman who’s just trying to have a good time accidentally leaves a door open while drinking a beer. Fuck those RAs.
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Let’s not forget and pay homage to the freshman who immediately takes up with upper classmen and finds the joys of booze a couple years to early and is constantly coming home plowed and passing out on the floor or coming in at 4 in the morning and immediately barfing all over the place doing one or both with a “date” in tandem who does the same. I moved after the week 3. The next roommate relationship lasted 1 week for the exact same reason! The third time, my roommate and I were on more on the same wavelength, knowing that moderation was required. We both drank, but knew our limits. We’re best friends today…48 years later.