Five Things America Does Better

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For the past couple weeks, I’ve been in Peru, doing Peruvian things. You don’t care about that. Why would you? For the next two weeks, I’ll continue to be in Peru, doing Peruvian things, and you won’t care about those either. That’s because someone’s study abroad experience is really only interesting to him and the people he went with. Or she, sorry – political correctness and whatnot. Anyway, what you might care about are some things that I didn’t expect to miss so much about the United States. Sure, I can’t lay down a killer parlay, watch the Phillies, or get an abortion – oh, wait – but there are a few things that I didn’t expect to miss because I had no idea that in the US, these things are just, well, done better.

Toilet Paper

Something I learned after leaving the US: in some countries, you can’t flush toilet paper down the shitter. Instead, they have you throw it in a trash can specifically designed to house your fecal covered TP. Now, you may not think this is too big of a deal, but you simply don’t realize how accustomed you are to wiping your ass and immediately throwing that thing in the pot until you have to do a few rescue missions. Yeah. Rescue missions. Because if you don’t do it right, it fucks with the plumbing and then no one gets to poop. Not one person. So yeah, I miss flushing toilet paper.

Douchebagery: The American Way

I didn’t realize how much I genuinely appreciated that we, as Americans, are complete and total dicks until leaving. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to experience hospitality and friendliness when abroad. But Jesus Christ. I long for the American norm of ignoring anyone and everyone in public. It would’ve saved me from a twenty-minute conversation in the airport this morning when all I really wanted to do was listen to the four different Natasha Bedingfield songs I had queued up and stare into space. Headphones off for one second and all of a sudden, I’m making best friends with the friendliest guy in the Cusco Airport.

Insane Amounts of Sodium

I left the US on June 10th, and since then, my body has been suffering from severe withdrawal. I don’t think I’ve gone this long without stuffing my face with disgusting food to the point of intense nausea in my entire life. Everything I’ve eaten has tasted great. But fuck. I’ve never had this much desire to spend nineteen dollars on a McDonald’s mobile order that’s going to make every part of my body (but most specifically my rectum) regret it not five minutes later. Sure, they have McDonald’s everywhere, but it isn’t the same. I want the American, heart-attack in a bag version. Is that so wrong?

South Park

South Park isn’t on HBOMax all across the globe. Major boner right? In fact, I’ve discovered that there are several things which I expected to be able to watch on various streaming sites that are not available in all countries. “Oh, who cares? You’re abroad experience life there.” No. Fuck you. I’ll waste my free time abroad however I damn well please… but not with South Park. Nope. Because it doesn’t exist everywhere. I find that to be a huge, sloppy blowjob. Not the kind you get: the kind you have to give.

General Traffic Safety

I’m not the most cautious driver. In fact, I’d consider myself a tad on the aggressive side. In not-America, though, I feel like the most gargantuan pussy driver of all time. Today, on my ride from the airport, my taxi driver cut across at least three lanes to make a turn without so much as taking a glance into his rearview mirror, and that was one of the moves he made that made me feel safest. I’m all for having a rather large set of testicles while on the road, but a part of me is starting to think some of these driving practices might be just a little dangerous.

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