Five Ways to Lose Money in College

Now in my fourth year at college, I’ve pretty much become an expert in ways to spend all of my money and feel surprised when my bank account is near empty at the end of every month. If you’re looking to perfect this feat of degeneracy, read on! All the answers are in this blog.

First:

It’s important to grocery shop every week. You should use your entire food budget at the grocery store to make sure that your fridge and pantry are fully stocked throughout the next seven days. After doing that, you should then completely ignore every ounce of that recently purchased food that’s in your house, waiting to be eaten by you. Instead, eat out two meals a day, and after a night of drinking, you should be spending at least $23 on a late-night DoorDash order.

Second:

Any time you’re out at a bar, convince yourself that going home with a girl is a simple numbers game. Because of that, approach every group of attractive girls in sight and offer to buy them a round of drinks. You won’t go 10/10, but all it takes is 1/10 to call it a successful night. Continue doing this until you’ve gotten a yes and consider the $114 you’ve spent on people other than yourself a small hiccup in an otherwise excellent night.

Third:

Don’t place any bets that aren’t parlays, and don’t have any fewer than 10 legs. Get in the mindset that even though the last nine haven’t hit, you’re one good one away from a major payday. Eventually, it will happen, king. Don’t let fear of failure stop your journey to success. Words to live by.

Fourth:

Don’t buy affordable alcohol. So what if a Crown Russe handle is $11? Get the Tito’s and treat yourself. Two thirty-racks of Hamm’s Beer are $15 total? Nah. Go for the 24-pack of Corona bottles because you can definitely afford the price difference. 

Fifth:

Drink a lot. After drinking, play tons of poker with your friends. Keep the buy-ins small so that it doesn’t feel like you’re losing too much. Since you’re drunk, you’ll feel invincible and unbeatable, this will cause you to go in on every hand because who’s beating you? Once, everyone has called your bluff over and over, buy back in and repeat.