Alex Becker
Pooping is oftentimes the highlight of my day. I get time to myself to think about life, scroll through my phone in peace, and relieve my body of its toxins. Other times though, I want to get out of there so badly I’ll risk some streaks in my drawers. Here are the five worst places to drop a big one.
Taco Bell Bathroom
I bet a bunch of you were expecting to see McDonald’s on this list and while their bathrooms are by no means sanitary, they don’t even come close to the bean-and-cheese disaster that is a Taco Bell bathroom. Obviously fast food workers barely clean the bathrooms. We know that. But when an establishment serves exclusively non-FDA approved meat, nacho cheese, and canned beans, you gotta expect the stalls to be covered in sludge. Walking into a TBell bathroom makes you feel like Andy Dufresne escaping prison. There are splatters on the walls, no soap within 100 yards, and a stench reminiscent of a farm. That, ladies and mostly gentlemen, is why they created the drive-thru.
On A Plane
There is a reason that we all prefer the handicap stall. It’s because it’s bigger and more space means a better poo. I don’t know the science behind that, but I know you all feel the same way so it’s gotta be true. That’s why pooping on a plane sucks so hard. You are in a shoebox of a stall, people are impatiently waiting, and there is no water meaning the turd just sits there smelling the whole place up like your dad on a weekend. Mix that with that possibility of turbulence and you got yourself one of the worst shits of your life.
A Stadium
Getting the feeling that you need to drop a load in the middle of a game is worse than the stomach pain itself. Not only do you miss some of the action, but you also need to wait in line just to clean a pool of piss off the seat and wipe with 0.5-ply toilet paper that is sure to rip. If you think there is a chance that they’re clean, think again. Turns out a mixture of beer and hot dogs doesn’t come out extremely solid. And as for aim, while fans may be yelling at their team for missing the goalposts, it seems every single one of them is a hypocrite.
High School
While staring at a carving of a swastika in the stall door is never your first choice, it’s not nearly as bad as the fact that you need to rush in order for your classmates to assume all you did was take a leak. I swear when I was in high school I was in such a hurry to get back that I would barely even have time to flush. If you leave English for more than 5 minutes you are undoubtedly getting hit with a “was everything okay in there” as soon as you get back. In a high school social scene, there is no coming back from that one.
Community Pool
I think we can all agree that nothing is worse than a wet poop. You’re dripping, shirtless and vulnerable, and the log doesn’t glide out as smoothly as you’re accustomed to. Now add that to a community pool where you can’t tell what’s water and what’s piss on the floor, and you got yourself one of the least desirable situations on Earth. The only thing worse would be letting it slip out in the pool itself.
