Flashback to Kristen Saban Testifying About Her Drunken Sorority Fight

Awhile back, we heard from the spawn herself. Or maybe Kristen Saban isn’t so bad after all? According to Alabama head football coach and fallen angel Nick Saban’s daughter, the story we’ve been told about the 2010 beat down Saban gave her Phi Mu sorority sister Sarah Grimes isn’t quite the truth. Yeah, sure, that’s what all the daughters of high profile college coaches accused of mercilessly assaulting their friends in a drunken rage say.

According to Saban’s crack legal team, the details of the incident did not transpire the way they were described by Grimes because, in fact, Grimes actually totally started it, you guys. As of yet there is no word on what Saban’s defense team thinks of Grimes’ popularity or weight.

Court documents have revealed that Kristen Saban described former best friend Sarah Grimes as the aggressor even though it was Grimes who sued Saban over the altercation.

Kristen Saban told lawyers that she, Grimes and other friends were at Saban’s apartment after several hours of drinking, and everyone was intoxicated.

She said she retreated into her room upset after Grimes told her to stop being ‘pathetic’ about her relationship with a boyfriend.

She claims that Grimes began beating on her door after she posted ‘No one likes Sarah, yay’ on Facebook.

She said the confrontation turned physical after Saban opened the door.

Whereas Grimes said the other woman pushed her first, Kristen Saban testified that Grimes initially grabbed her around the neck.

This seems suspect, if only because Grimes and Saban were best friends at the time, which meant Grimes knew Saban pretty well. Well enough, presumably, to know that the girl had some aggressive anger issues, and that it was about as smart to attack her when she was drunk as it was for those black guys to try to break into Ed Norton’s car in American History X. You don’t walk into a tiger cage with pork chops tied around your neck and start flicking the biggest one in the nuts.

Saban’s remembering of the incident starts to seem a little sketchy when she describes the fight itself.

The two pulled hair and tussled in a fight that was ‘a lot of slapping and punching, not many landing, and scratching,’ Saban testified.

Essentially, Saban made the fight out to be your typical, more show than blow, cat fight. The only problem with that version is that by the end of the fight Grimes had suffered a broken nose (for which she needed surgery), a concussion, and was covered in blood. Grimes later claimed to experience PTSD symptoms after the fight, which I for one believe, because if Kristen Saban had tried and failed to kill me, I would probably wake up every night from then out in a cold sweat, wondering which dark corner of my ceiling Saban was hanging from.

Grimes’ lawyer rebutted Saban’s testimony by more or less asking, “Are you fucking kidding me, your honor?” Grimes actually compared Kristen Saban’s onslaught to professional boxer Boom Boom Mancini, though that seems a little ridiculous. I’d much rather fight Boom Boom Mancini.

Neither Grimes nor Saban appeared in court, but rather had sworn testimonies submitted before Tuscaloosa County Circuit Judge James H. Roberts Jr., which was probably for the best in Saban’s case, because it would have been pretty awkward to explain why her hand burst into flames upon touching the Bible while being sworn in.

“Well your honor, you see, I am a loyal servant of Beelzebub, the Beast, the Prince of Darkness, Nick Saban, but I can assure you that in this case, I was not acting maliciously.”

“Right…and if I rule against you, what exactly will happen to me?”

“I will rip out your heart, roast it over the flames that I will command to swallow your children’s souls, and eat it with some fucking waffle fries.”

The judge said yesterday that he will take into consideration Saban’s attorney’s request to have the case dismissed, but did not specify when he would make the decision. Grimes is seeking unspecified monetary restitution for medical expenses and the construction of a moat filled with holy water around her current and any future residences.

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Written by TFM

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