Alex Becker
If you walk into a bar on any given night, you better expect to see all four of these guys.
Mr. Daddy’s Money
There is no one I love more than this guy. Mr. Daddy’s Money gets a bad rap for popping the collar on his polos and calling his housekeeper “the help,” but outside of being a pretentious dickface he’s actually a pretty good dude. Okay, maybe he isn’t a “good dude,” but if you get him drunk enough he’ll definitely buy you drinks and that’s what I really look for in a friend. Seriously, everyone has that one friend who loves to buy his buddies’ loyalty. He’s the guy to go up to the bar, look around, and go “eight tequila shots for me and my homies.” Should Jonathan actively be using the word homies? Probably not, but it’s way better than what he’ll be saying when he blackingly freestyles later on in the night. Plus, if you give me free drinks all night long you can call me whatever you want, sweetheart.
The Guy Who Just Wants To Go Home
Some guys go to the bar and shut it down, others stay until they are escorted out for yaking on the floor, and then there’s this guy who cannot get out of there quick enough. For whatever reason, whether it be that he is tired or sick or has a girlfriend to get to or even if he just truly hates society, this guy just wants to leave. Staying for anything over 45 minutes is completely unfathomable to him. He basically spends the entire time refreshing his email and waiting for someone else to mention leaving. As soon as someone says anything about getting eats or hopping locations, he is immediately down. Only problem is his second location is always his couch with a bong in hand.
The Fighter
This guy is just going out to fight some random guy and lose. Weekend after weekend, this guy puts on jeans, pays cover, and drinks until he cannot feel any physical pain just so he can prove that he has testosterone and chirp some stranger that is in way better shape than him. With a pretty impressive record of 0-13, this guy truly does have heart. He is unwilling to give up no matter how many mornings he wakes up with a black eye. It’s almost inspiring. Obviously, he claims it’s never his fault and that he was “jumped,” but everyone saw him tell that 300lb guy that he thought his chick was bad. Did he deserve to get his blood wiped across the concrete? Oh yes. Did he learn from it? God no. Will it happen again? Same time next weekend.
The Sweater
In every male friend group, there is one (usually plus-size) dude who is somehow always sweaty. It could be an empty bar or just the line to get in and this guy will look like he just went training with David Goggins. Maybe it’s from his nerves about being around attractive women, or possibly it’s from having all that extra blubber on his torso, but whatever the cause is he is sure to have pit stains on that t-shirt that so perfectly highlights his pepperoni nipples.
