Four Guys In Every Frat House

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If you live in a frat house, I can guarantee you know these four dudes.

The Fade God

Despite always having a new lock of the day, this guy cannot hit a bet. He is currently $4000 in debt to his bookie who is two years younger than him and has no plan to pay that anytime soon. You ask him for his bets everyday, praying he didn’t bet the same thing as you. While no one has ever seen one of his correct score bets hit, he claims to be up all-time. A strong believer in “99% of bettors quit before they hit big,” this guy has no end in sight. That is, until he gets his legs broken in a few years.

Mr. Anger Issues

Mr. Anger Issues is a tightly wound jack-in-the-box just waiting to explode on someone. It could be a tomato on his burger or someone accidentally not respecting his shot-5s, but something is bound to set him off. He will berate you if you touch his shit and then go back to normal no more than five minutes later. Don’t be mistaken by his outbursts, though they do remind you of Alec Baldwin fighting for a parking spot, this dude really does have a good heart.

The Man Whore

It’s not a frat house without a house man whore. This dude has a disgusting amount of sex. “No amount of sex is too much!” Guess what buddy? Looks like we’re talking about you. Every frat house has a guy that will bag an absolute dimepiece one night and then hook up with a trailer park mom of nine that he met on Tinder the next afternoon. He probably has some sort of STD but refuses to get it checked, and will definitely have a child by the age of 22. If he says he hasn’t had a devils-threesome, he’s lying.

The Pharmacist

This dude has more pills in his pocket than remaining brain cells. While many people would refer to this guy as a plug, he prefers the term pharmacist as he believes he isn’t selling drugs but rather “prescribing medicine to open up our minds.” Xanax, valium, molly, fairy dust — you name it, he’s got it. If you want DMT, he doesn’t carry it on him but he definitely knows a guy. If you have a class with him, expect to do all of his work, but luckily he’ll give you an adderall to help power through that group project. He probably won’t graduate on time and when he finally does, he’ll find some job at either a thrift shop or a farm.

21+. Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. T&Cs apply.

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