Four Kinds of People at a College Pregame

The college pregame is an essential part of your four year experience, but it’s one that isn’t particularly unique. Sorry to burst your bubble. With that being said, there are usually some staples in the demographic of the average pregame, so here they are:

Sober Sally

We can also refer to this person as a complete and total pussy. This guy drinks but for whatever reason is taking a night or two off, but despite it being his personal choice to do so, he seems offended by you putting up a triple double in beers consumed, cigarettes smoked, and slurs used. It’s best to stay away from him because he’ll end up giving you the same look your mom did after seeing fourteen-year-old you throw a blanket over yourself and a box of tissues after not knocking before walking into your room.

Aux Murderer

This guy is usually stuck to the man on aux like shit-stained underwear to a sweaty ass cheek, and I’m not sure which situation is worse. He’s got about the same level of patience when waiting to hear his song played as R Kelly does when waiting for a girl to turn eighteen. If you’re lucky, he’ll at least queue up some fan favorites, but you probably won’t be lucky.

Gameaholic

This guy is your group’s competitor. He’ll try to treat his borderline problematic need to win like an untimely erection and cover it up, but by the second game of rage cage, he’ll be screaming the rules at a girl that didn’t know which direction she was supposed to send her cups. The only brightside to this guy is that his behavior will allow your general debauchery to slide by everyone completely unnoticed.

Pregame Pregamer

Despite the fact that everyone else would begin their alcohol consumption together, there’s always one guy that feels the need to be six or seven deep before anyone’s even taken their “after the first beer shit.” His treatment of his liver is worse than Michael Vick’s treatment of canines. He’ll most likely be passed out by 10:30pm, but when he regains consciousness at one in the morning, he’ll send texts complaining that no one woke him up to go to the bar.