Four Of Life’s Unsung Heroes

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The Black Panther:

Maybe you’re out with friends or working in a group of people, and you say something or make a joke that has a person that was born a white woman up in arms. She/they is speaking for a marginalized community, they’re saying the word “perpetuate” fifty million fucking times, and as a cishet man or whatever the fuck they are calling cis-white men these days, you’re up against the wall. Then, out of nowhere, your black friend or maybe just a random black dude overhearing the conversation tells them that he thought the joke was funny and that she/they needs to shut the fuck up. The black panther has just swooped down and saved you when you were running down an alley , and there was no fire escape. The she/they are helpless. Their bio might have more flags than a goddamn Maryland sailing club, but they can’t argue with somebody higher on the totem pole of oppression.

The Uber Guardian Angel:

There has been or will be a time in your life when your friends have already left the bar, the bank account is looking redder than Tom Coughlin’s face on a cold February night, and you have seven percent on your phone. There’s a possibility that you’re a drunk sleep away from being passed around by elites like Deron Williams in the 2008 skills challenge. As you’re starting to blink like Soap at the end of the MW2 campaign, you get rescued by a well-to-do gentleman of better means than yourself. If this happens to you, in the spirit of Karma, you must help someone else when their time comes.

The Person In Your Family That Fucked Up First:

The cherry-popper of disappointment. Most of the time, it’s an older sibling that got caught with a little bit of bud in their backpack or an older sister who didn’t hear the car pulling into the driveway when her boyfriend was on the precipice of dropping some liquid Ryan Lochte’s on the tummy. If you aren’t the oldest in the family, it might be a step-sibling, a family friend, a cousin, or a young uncle. But in most households in America, somebody had to walk by, leaving a vape in the pocket of their shorts so you could run.

The Person That Isn’t Afraid To Say What Everyone In The Room is Thinking:

For me, I’d associate this with my favorite comedians, but it could be anybody to you. It could be the person that tells your friend that his art sucks or the person that tells your Mom that her laugh needs to tone it down a little bit.

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