Four of the Worst Drunken Mistakes

The Piss Dribble

You stumble into the bathroom and fight with your zipper before going digging for a dick that’s ready to disappoint a soft six later tonight. When you’ve finally gotten yourself in a position to take a piss, it’s glorious and relieving and spiritual all in one. A truly legendary stream. But because you’ve had five or six too many, you’re not as careful as you should be. It’s a half-hearted shake that leaves a couple very noticeable spots of piss on your khakis. Now you’ve got to make a decision: either go out there, own the piss dribble, and move on with the night, OR go to town trying to dry it off and risk everyone thinking you just took a dreaded bar poop. The latter is always the better play, gentlemen.

The Misnomer

In my many, many, many failures with the female species, I’ve learned that there’s one that will, right off the bat take sex off the table for the foreseeable future, and that’s either forgetting or calling a girl the wrong name. If you meet a girl, are chatting her up, and are ever asked the question, “Do you remember my name,” and don’t have the mental capabilities to retrieve the correct answer, it’s best to erase the board and draw up a new play. You might be able to save yourself on a wrong name if you can correct it in a timely manner (we’re talking seconds), but if that isn’t the case, you’re finished. Lesson here: if you meet a girl and want to have intercourse later that night, make it a point to remember her name.

The Wrong Crowd

One of the first rules of joke telling is to know your audience, and after nine gin and tonics, that can be increasingly difficult to do. There are some jokes and insults that simply don’t fly in all crowds, so drunkenly letting loose with what you think is a funny comment or observation is a dangerous game. If you’re around the wrong crowd, they’ll gang up on you in a second with a cancel tweet at the ready unless you can diffuse the situation. My advice is that if you think it’s hilarious, save it for your roommates. 

The Puke Miscalculation

Sometimes you can perfectly calculate the quickest exit from a room, party, bar ­– whatever, and puke in the safety of a toilet, some bushes, or an alley. Often times there is a miscalculation. This might be as simple as dirtying a bathroom, but it could get as drastic as a mid-bar spew. If you think you might puke, get out of there in a hurry because chances are you don’t have as much time as you think you do.

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Written by TFM

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