Four Soul Crushing Feelings

The YouTube Miss

You find a YouTube video that you love. Nothing has ever made you laugh harder, and on your fourth rewatch, you start to think that nothing ever will. Filled with the excitement of a fifteen-year-old about to see a real lady nipple for the first time, you grab the Firestick and put it on the big screen for the fellas to enjoy with you. That’s when it all goes downhill. While gasping for breath between laughs, you notice that the best reaction you’ve gotten so far is a slight exhale through the nose from the guy that willingly watched the fourth season of Riverdale. Your laughter immediately subsides, and you look around desperately for any sign of joy in the group, waiting for the inevitable, “Dude, can we put something else on?” It’s devastating.

The Boyfriend Post

You don’t know this girl very well – to say you’ve had a singular meaningful conversation would be a stretch, honestly – but you’ve always thought there might be a chance with her in some way. Why? Because she’s hot and didn’t seem to hate you the few times that you interacted. Despite making zero strides to actually put yourself in a position where she might be interested, it comes as a brutal blow when you see her post a sunset picture with a dude who’s arguably less attractive than you are. With zero hesitation, you begin to tell yourself that you really botched your chance there – because clearly she would’ve preferred you – and wallow in sadness for the intimate touching that could have been.

A Fan Favorite Gets Cancelled

You don’t want to make it about you because you understand that the children Kevin Spacey diddled are probably catching the brunt of the impact of this whole thing, but fuck… you’re going to miss his movies. It’s not that you won’t continue to consume the content of whomever showed his penis to a group of employees, but there won’t be a stand-up special out for at least a few years, and that is an incredibly sad realization for a true fan like yourself.

The Death of a Good Shirt

All guys have a few of these shirts. You put it on before heading out on a Saturday night, looking in the mirror convincing yourself that this shirt is going to be the key to ending your six-week dry spell. It hides your rapidly developing beer belly and somehow makes it look like you’ve been doing bicep workouts other than using both hands while jerking off. Then, this ever reliant and dependable shirt takes a beating. Too long in the dryer, a mystery stain that no amount of Tide Stick can take away, or a gaping hole in the armpit immediately puts this shirt out of commission, and it hits you like the loss of a dear friend… unless you’re Bobby. Then I guess you just roll with the most noticeably tattered shirt of all time: