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Four Things All Frat Bros Are Good At

We may not go to class or study or know how to read too good, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t smart. Frat bros are smart in our own unique way. While nitrous oxide may have killed most of our brain cells, it still left us a few good ones that help with our very niche areas of expertise. Here are four things all frat dudes are good at.

Holes In Walls

Frat guys do nothing better than put holes into walls. We’re so good at it, oftentimes we don’t even need to use our hands. Legs, head, even our entire body sometimes makes it through some drywall. But, hey, it’s all in good fun. While everyone on the face of the planet is probably aware of this not-so-secret skill, what they don’t realize is how good we are at fixing the holes. Many frat houses across the nation teach their pledges how to plaster as part of their “education.” It’s kind of like how school’s teacher stranger danger. You hope the kids won’t need it, but odds are they will. Thus, covering holes is easy for most frats. There is a system in place and basically everyone knows how to do it. For the houses that don’t cover plastering in their pledge term, you can almost guarantee they have a designated “hole guy.” This is either one brother responsible for the fixing of holes or some guy they found on Craigslist about a decade ago that will fix anything for a geeb hit. Damn, I miss Carl.

Starting Fires

No, I’m not talking about the type of fire you make by banging two rocks together in the wilderness. That is not something we can do. However, if you hand us a $0.99 BIC lighter just to watch for 30 seconds, you can almost guarantee that we’re setting something on fire. Sorry, but we just like to see stuff burn. Whether that be a joint, a random piece of homework, or a trash can filled with vodka, it doesn’t matter. Something about flames excites us. We love bonfires. We love bongs. And we love seeing the world turn to ash. It’s not in a malicious way, though. More of a mind-numbing, “that’s sick” type of thing.

Betting Odds

We don’t do math. However, betting is different. That isn’t math, it’s potential money. I guarantee if you asked any frat guy “what’s 14×15?” He is just gonna say “I don’t know” without even trying to do the math. Yet, if you asked him “what would a $15 bet payout on +1400 odds?” He is going to look at you like you’re an idiot. Obviously, it would net $210. The same thing goes for weed math too. What’s 28 divided by 3.5? I have no idea. Now, how many eighths are in an ounce? Dumb question, idiot.

Talking To The Cops

Dealing with cops is part of being in a frat. They like to shut down parties and ruin all underaged fun. Thus, you learn early on that while 12 sucks, you gotta be cooperative or else they’re just gonna blackball you every chance they get. Basically, you just wanna be on their good side. That means crack some dumb jokes, talk sports, call them “man,” literally just talk to them the same way you’d talk to your barber. Eventually, you will have so much experience talking to police while hammered it will be just as easy as being high around your parents.

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Written by Alex Becker

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