Life can be so expensive. I realized earlier in my youth that everything I wanted to do for fun costs money, and you can only steal so much beer from the local liquor store before the cashier remembers your face and kicks you out for good. That’s what led me to create a definitive list of the best ways to entertain yourself for free.
Romantic Gaslighting
Do you know how sturdy most relationships between people in their twenties are? Apparently not very. If you walk up to what looks like a happy couple and imply you recently had a romantic experience with one of them, the other will almost always find themselves in a state of confusion and panic. It works if you accuse either gender, but if you try to say you had a homosexual experience with a man, make sure he’s smaller than you. They often get really overwhelmed by your accusations and grow increasingly defensive about it. It’s best to leave the interaction in one piece so you can enjoy the chaos you just caused two strangers.
Feeding Birds Funny Things
I know we have all seen the videos of people feeding seagulls laxatives at the beach, but I think this can be taken a step further. What if you throw out a mixture of mostly laxatives, but also a few doses of rat poison. The fun of watching a rain storm of bird shit on a helpless group of people is great, but watching the same thing with the occasional falling corpse is unmatched. It really puts everyone in the area on edge, except you, who will be laughing from an adjacent spot. I know it’s cruel to kill innocent birds, but some guy tweeted that they aren’t real. So who’s really the victim here.
Mess With Your Grandparents
Do you know how much your grandparents would love to see you? Almost as much as I love using them for my personal entertainment. Since they are so old and frail, a minor inconvenience to them typically results in a pretty hilarious result. For example, take their walker to the garage while they are in the bathroom and tell them you were doing dips on it. If you really want to laugh, tell them you switched their heart medication with a Xanax and watch the beautiful results of the placebo effect unfold first hand. Just try to be discreet enough to keep yourself in the will, because then this is suddenly becomes a very expensive form of entertainment.
Middle School Shenanigans
I’m currently at the age where people would assume by looking at me that I no longer am entertained by classic pranks such as ding-dong-ditching, or lighting bags of dog poop on fire on someone’s front porch. These assumptions would be entirely untrue, as I believe ruining the peace someone achieved in the serenity of their own home will always be hilarious. This also means you no longer have to run away, or hide in the tree of a stranger if you play your cards right. You can just act as if you are walking somewhere, and tell the homeowner that you saw a group of middle-schoolers running in the opposite direction. If you or someone you know has a dog, you look even more innocent.
Masturbation
Yes, the internet is not free, I’m aware. That’s why I pleasure myself in a public library when I’m trying to save a couple cents.
