Fresno, California, is the weirdest place I’ve ever been, and I’ve been everywhere from Moosic Pennsylvania to Belfast. It’s kind of like one big stereotypical movie about high school. There are gangs, white kids that want to be in gangs, guys that fall asleep with dip spit in their mouth, immigrants that aren’t there legally working for anti-illegal immigrant almond farmers- it’s a real melting pot for people with substance abuse problems. Despite the discrepancy in both wealth and lifestyle between the people in Fresno who own farms or software companies and their employees, they do have one thing in common: they love saying a word that’s used 110 times in the movie Django Unchained despite not being black. Fresno is known for a lot of great things in our culture, like the Lacy Peterson trials and quarterback Derek Carr. What’s really funny about Fresno is that you can tell whether a person is rich or poverty-stricken simply by the physical feature they love most in a woman. If a guy from Fresno likes Scarlett Johannson, he’s probably rich; if he’s more into J-Lo, not so much.
About as many people dropped out of school before completing ninth grade than got a college degree in Fresno, which makes sense because of the agriculture and the lack of literacy from everyone from the area I follow on Twitter. Fresno is hot as fuck. Take any movie scene where somebody is undergoing a mirage, and that’s what it feels like five seconds after walking out of that airport. Fresno State is a respectable college for anybody that wants to bump Shoreline Mafia and take benzos for four years while majoring in something that leads to them running their family business. Kids who left the area to go to SEC or Big 12 schools will always end up back home. Fresno is basically the girlfriend you break up with for four days, you both sleep with other people, and then you run back in each other’s arms while never letting each other forget what you did to one another. If you want to get hammered with fun people in a city that looks like the opposite of an Alexis Renn video, Fresno is the place for you. On a scale of 1-10, I’m giving it a 7.7 because I’ve never met anyone I didn’t like from this place.
