Fuck You, Fast-Food Haters

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Everybody knows that one person. Maybe it’s an aunt or uncle, family friend, teacher – whoever – but everybody knows that one motherfucker who wants to tell you all about how terrible fast food is and how it’s so bad for your body and the environment or whatever bullshit they have on hand. 

“Have you ever even seen Supersize Me?” 

“Do you know how much waste those fast-food companies produce?”

“They put stuff in that to make it addictive.”

“It’s not even real chicken that they’re using. McNuggets look the same for years.”

You know what? Fuck you. If you’re one of those people, just seriously, fuck right off. I can’t tell you how much I wish anyone who says that gets an STD. Not AIDS or anything permanent, but you know what? They deserve chlamydia. I feel like that’s fair. They deserve that.

I just don’t get why I can’t eat Wendy’s once in a while without someone chiming in about how it’s unhealthy. You would think these people are discovering a cure to cancer with how high and mighty they sound when they say it. No shit it’s unhealthy! That’s why it tastes so god damn good. I’m sorry. Show me a “healthy” meal that’s going to taste better than a Baconator. I’m not saying this should be an every day meal for everyone, but holy shit, if I want to eat something that’s garbage every once in a while, I feel like I should be able to do it in peace. The next time I see someone go out and get a nice kale salad or some other stupid food when they’re drunk, then maybe I’ll consider not kicking the next guy who gives me shit when he hears I took down a Big Mac at 3 a.m. after a night out directly in his fucking ovaries nuts.

I think my favorite thing about those people’s fast-food arguments is when they try and tell you that somewhere like Taco Bell doesn’t use real beef. It’s just the greatest thing ever. Whenever some cock-knocker decides to give me that shit, I simply say: “Well, I would hope it’s not. I mean, if it were real beef, I would be genuinely concerned when two hours after eating it I have sour brown water violently spraying out of my asshole.” It’s an immediate conversation ender because there’s like a 99.9% chance that the person who’s being an asshole about you eating fast-food doesn’t want to talk about a bad case of diarrhea. It’s just incredibly unlikely.

That’s pretty much the end of my rant. If you’re someone who doesn’t like fast-food or whatever that’s fine, but can you do the rest of us a favor and just shut up. We’d like to get drunk and eat gross food without an earful from you. And also, know that it’s an all or nothing decision. You don’t get to shit on me for taking down $27 worth of Popeye’s and still go get a Frosty. Thanks. 

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