Henry Marken
While I was twiddling my thumbs in a painfully uninteresting zoom class of mine, I began to brainstorm quite unpleasant activities that I would rather be doing instead of sitting through that god forsaken zoom. I was debating between pulling off one single arm hair at a time or undergoing breath-holding time trials with myself. I went with the latter.
After I regained consciousness, I began to ponder about other polarizing situations one would hope to avoid altogether. What if you were in some surreal celestial simulation where you were met with two awful scenarios and you had to pick one, but death could never be accepted as an option. Simply just one or the other. Thus, I created a ‘lesser of two evils’ list so hair-splittingly terrible and psychologically torturous, that it makes Guantanamo Bay look like summer camp.
Behold, my ultimate laundry list of “would you rather” questions. Happy trails!
Would you rather watch your parents conception of you or have sex with someone with your parents in the same room watching?
Would you rather go eternally blind and lose your sense of smell or go eternally deaf and lose your sense of taste?
Would you rather watch an HBO limited series about tree bark or a Netflix series on the history of shoelaces?
Would you rather have $10 Billion of legal cash and never have any sexual pleasure again or leave the money alone and do what you please?
Would you rather have a penis for a nose or a butthole on your forehead?
Would you rather eat dog shit or drink human vomit?
Would you rather watch paint dry or listen to a 40 hour nonstop documentary about yarn?
Would you rather have one pinky finger chopped off or have all of your toenails ripped off?
Would you rather wear socks that are eternally wet or wear underwear that is eternally tight?
Would you rather be born without arms or have an itchy full body rash that lasts the rest of your life?
Would you rather take a punch in the face from Mike Tyson in his prime or take a fastball to the crotch from Randy Johnson (also in his prime)?
Would you rather permanently be a small market pornstar or only be casted as sex predators in major Hollywood films?
Would you rather have a permanent friar haircut or have no eyebrows for the rest of your life?
Would you rather pledge a fraternity for four years or be blacklisted to the point of being curb-stomped-on-sight by every fraternity on campus?
Would you rather laugh uncontrollably every 15 minutes or only speak in gibberish for the rest of your life?
Without having the ability to change your last name, would you rather have it be Hitler or Sandusky?
Would you rather anally give birth to a basketball or piss out a golf ball?
Would you rather yank on a resting bull’s nutsack or a slap a sleeping lion’s ass?
Would you rather have eternally shitty breath or always have awful body odor?
Who would you rather have write your letter of recommendation: Ted Bundy or Charles Manson?
