It’s just a fact. Guys are disgusting creatures, and therefore, we do disgusting things. I think the worst part about it – scratch that, the best part about it – is that even though we know these things are gross we actually enjoy them quite a bit.
The Clean House
This one isn’t necessarily just limited to guys, but I tend to think that women usually have a little more class. Unless you’re the kid who spent his childhood weirdly obsessed with the Civil War and coin collecting, you learn from a pretty young age that you don’t pick your nose in public. Now, the key words there are “in public” because every dude needs to clean house once in a while. There aren’t many better feelings than going halfway to your brain and pulling out a crusty brown booger to flick across your room at two in the morning. In my personal opinion, though, the Clean House should always be done in the privacy of your own home and away from any windows. I’ve caught one too many random men digging for gold while sitting in traffic, and if it was awkward for me, I know for a FACT it was a small dose of hell for them.
I guess I should’ve said not washing sheets there actually because if I’m being completely honest, I think the only times I washed my sheets in my freshman year of college were when my ex-girlfriend was coming to visit. This year it happened after a girl was too intoxicated to leave our room and had to sleep in my bed while I slept in an empty bed down the hall. She had puke in her hair when I saw her before leaving, and you better believe I wasn’t dealing with that. The other time is when my fat ass spilled French onion dip on my sheets. If none of those events had happened, though, you better believe I wouldn’t have washed them one time. Do I know it’s repulsive? Yes. Do I care? No. I loathe washing my sheets and so does every guy ever, which is why it almost never happens.
Again, I think I should’ve put a “not” in front of that. While this one is admittedly nasty, I compare it to how girls don’t shave their legs in the wintertime. The only time a dude’s bare feet are actually on display is when it’s summer, so are you really surprised that toenails are left to grow for months at a time? If it’s not summer, I just keep the socks on, and nobody’s got any clue that I’m rocking the equivalent of William Wallace’s sword from Braveheart beneath them. And no, I don’t let them get ridiculously long. I pretty much stick to the philosophy that once I start waking up with blood around my feet, it’s time to give them a trim.
Peeing in the Shower
This one I am CONVINCED girls also do, but judging by my mother’s reaction every time I bring it up, I get the feeling that it’s at least much more common in dudes than in females. But c’mon, is there anything better than taking a shower and just letting loose a good stream? Your aim doesn’t really matter as much and you feel like part of the shower while you’re doing it. It’s really beautiful. And honestly, as long as you rinse the contaminated areas off after, I don’t even think it’s that gross, but society begs to differ, which is why I’ve included it in this list.
The Scratch and Sniff
This is the one you’ve all been waiting for, and don’t think for a second you can deny that you do it. Whether it’s your nuts, taint, asshole, or armpits, after a meaty, deep scratch there is NEVER hesitation. That hand rockets up to your nose, and boom: you take a big old inhale. And it smells nasty. I mean really gross. Wherever that hand came from, it brought with it a scent that shouldn’t even be allowed to exist. Just gross. After coming to that conclusion, it’s time for the second sniff. I mean, you’ve got to make sure that it actually was the most repulsive thing you’ve ever smelled, right?