Guys Adjusting Their Heights: A Tall Tale as Old as Time

Ah yes, one of life’s greatest commonalities among men from all walks of life. Racial or financial backgrounds have never mattered less, as the only valuable piece of data in some scenarios is a man’s height. 

We see this among social interaction, group social activity especially, where a guy will verbally lie about his height, generously giving himself a few more inches, creating a seemingly taller image of himself for the person he’s talking to. And it’s not just my 5’7’’ short kings who are guilty of this. Tall guys often give themselves an extra inch or two, scraping the bowl clean, greedily turning an unappreciated 6’2’’ into a stretched 6’4’’.  

What is this, the NFL combine? 

Why does this happen? 

Well, before we analyze our current behavior, we have to look back at our roots. Our ancestral roots. 

We don’t know when, but we know that at some point mankind first started having sexual intercourse beyond the purpose of simply reproducing. I know inflated egos and sexual preferences weren’t as prevalent back in the era of Neanderthals, but I can’t imagine a little hunter-gatherer caveman no taller than 5’7’’ taking any suitable mates from the all-state 6’4’’ Mammoth killing specimen. For the purposes of pure survival, the mate’s gotta go with the big guy. Thus, the big guy will ultimately get to pork for pleasure. 

I gotta believe that the ability to outlast and survive the elements was a very attractive feature. Thus, if you couldn’t see behind a 5’6’’ tall bush and identify a sabertooth cat ready to pounce, you probably weren’t living that long as well as not having a lot of sex during those harsh times. Perhaps there was a correlation between short cavemen and cavemen who never got it done in the bedroom (cave floor). 

And yet, there are still plenty of short kings living among us modern humans, running around Hollywood and Wall Street. One would have thought that this flaw would have been wiped away with them failing to reproduce. You know, Darwin’s survival of the fittest?

Clearly, they survived.

I believe that short cavemen evolved to hide their little height. I believed they learned to lie. No one really knows when this phenomenon truly started, but it serves as one of the oldest testaments that humanity will fib for the greater good. And that greater good is sex. 

Maybe all it took was walking on the higher ground at all times or making sure that there was always some large builder to stand on during group activities. Hell, it could have been as simple as throwing together a couple drawings on the cave walls with their exaggerated heights documented just to convince the women. Whatever their creative strategies entailed, it allowed them and their short genes to survive. 

Here we are in the 21st century, and it acts like clockwork. 

Meet Todd. 

Todd is a precise 5’7.5’’ and there’s nothing he can really do about it. Sure he can strap on his Air Max boosts, rep an insole or two, maybe walk around on his tiptoes in a crowded area, but at the end of the day, that’s really all he’s got from an options standpoint. 

But when he’s with other people at the bar and, God forbid, the topic of height comes up, which is really just inevitable nowadays, Todd’s in a tough spot. 

Sure, he can tell the truth. Perhaps his ego isn’t that deflated after all. Hell, maybe he’s so secure about his height that he can joke about it. That would be incredible. Ladies, if you meet that kind of man, latch onto him and hold him dearly. He knows which battles to fight.

But that’s a rarity, especially for a guy named Todd. My god, someone whose name is Todd has been auditing people since he was six years old and he will never let you forget who his father is. 

Todd’s 5’7.5’’ listing probably comes out as a verbal 5’9’’ maybe even 5’9.5’’ because that’s protocol for guys like Todd. He doesn’t embrace his height, because Todd isn’t a short king. He’s a little fraud.

But he’s not alone.

Todd’s tall counterpart is a long and tall guy named Anthony. Anthony is the typical example of having his height be his only working tool in the shed. He’s not funny, to be honest he’s pretty dull, so dull that I’d rather talk to a pair of folded khakis. He’s not ugly, but he’s not great looking. He’s not athletic. He’s just tall. 

And that sucks.

Now, Anthony is an honest 6’2’’ and for most of his life, he’s been one of the taller guys in every room. His god given height got him through high school, but when he goes to the bar, he’s not the prom king anymore. His once commanding 6’2’’ figure wouldn’t even be the 6th man in a league with a bunch of 6’5’’ guys walking around. But he adds a couple more inches while he can, just so that he can further separate himself from the crowd of average heighted males, because Anthony is still trying to squeeze the life out of every benefit being tall gets him. Because that’s all he’s got.

Why is this happening? I can give you some long-winded answer about confidence and its snowballing effect into every personal life pillar… or I could just say it’s about sex. Both work. We’re not that far off from our caveman ancestors, in terms of how most of our needs and priorities all trace back to suitable food, sleep, and sex. 

Now, I got no dogs in this fight. The average height for male in the U.S. is 5’9’’ and I was able to reach 6 feet a couple years ago, so I’m writing this piece from the clubhouse, safe and sound. But to everyone below that mark, just wear the height, man. Your character is gonna get her home with you, it’s not the two extra inches you give yourself. You might as well cut your losses early and show off your humble sense of humor. You’re not gonna get rim-checked because of something you can’t control, and if you do, that bitch probably enjoys eating glass, house music, and slashing tires for fun. And that’s just one evening.

If you’re above the 5’9’’, accept the gift you were given with grace, don’t give yourself any more inches, and move on. Accept it like a gift, because it is a gift, you didn’t earn it. I mean for fuck sake, it’s just height. It’s not a worthy talent. It’s not like you actually did anything productive with your height and made it to the NBA. Perhaps go check in on your other flaws so that I don’t have to slam my head in the door after I talk to you, Anthony. 

Now if you are gonna lie about your height, you better do it right. However, I’d recommend talking to a specialist before you do so. The only guys that can really do it are some of my long time high school buddies. Those guys are professionals. They can make 5’6’’ look like 5’11’’ and that’s before the combine listing. They know that lighting and timing is everything.

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.


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