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Hot Take of the Week: The Beach

Basically, I have very strong, usually controversial, and sometimes ridiculous opinions. Usually people simply ignore me, but if you’re reading this, it means you’re not one of those people. Thank you for giving me a platform to shit all over your favorite things.

The beach kinda-sorta-really-fucking sucks. I love being down the shore, but the beach? Why is everyone so in love with it? I like going to the beach at about five in the afternoon with a six-pack. You know what happens at about 5p.m.? The lifeguards leave, the families leave, the sun won’t fry your body, and the sand doesn’t burn the fuck out of the bottom of your feet. You know what happens before 5p.m.? None of those things. 

In my family, there’s a tendency to put pressure on everyone to spend six to seven hours on the beach every day when we go on family vacations. That means that if I don’t wake up at nine, eat breakfast, and shower so that I’m on the beach by ten in the fucking morning, I’m doing my vacation wrong. And then I have to hear about it from everybody. Well guess what? Fuck that. Vacation means that I sleep until 1. Then I get up and eat some food. Then I probably touch myself. Then I shower and grab some beer and walk down to the beach to get a nice buzz on before dinner. That’s an ideal vacation. Notice how applying sunscreen every two hours, dealing with people asking me to go with them in water that is so cold my nuts will pop out of my ears, protecting a mediocre ham and cheese sandwich from seagulls, and getting sand lodged in my taint are not a part of a great vacation agenda. 

Now, I’m not going to crap all over people who love the beach. Power to you if you can look past all of what I just described and enjoy yourself. But when I say that I don’t like the beach it gets treated like I’m writing a paper on why Bill Cosby is a real stand-up guy.

So yeah, guess what? I don’t love the beach. I think it’s overrated. There’s the hot take for the week, so now you can go ahead and downvote it. 

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Written by TFM

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