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Hot Takes Other People Are Too Afraid To Vocalize

Everyone Has Said The N-Word:

You want to cancel people for liking a Tweet two years ago? Fine. Let’s play your game, you delusional bitch. It’s first grade, it’s recess, but you guys aren’t going out today because it’s raining. There’s a globe in the northwest corner of your classroom, below the yellow poster reminding you to wash your hands, and the neatly stacked display of Judy Bloome books the girl who will end up becoming an AXO frequents. You and your friend are spinning the globe, talking nonsense, and debating over which pole is the one Santa lives in. On the fifth spin, your finger lands on the second-most-land-locked country in Africa that eventually got colonized by France, who by the way get away with murder because people are too focused on Trisha Paytas farting on camera rather than their history, and you said it. You said the no-no word. For every “journalist” that makes a career off of finding old tweets, I know you dropped the N-bomb too. 

Men Had To Jack Off On 9/11:

9/11 and Pearl Harbor are worst days in American history 1A and 1B. As a kid from Jersey, I grew up seeing kids without a Dad at their games and saw adults crane their necks every time an Airplane flew above them. With this in mind, the one thing that’s inescapable about being a man is that no matter what’s going on in the world, you must cum at least once every few days, or you’ll die. Somewhere, on September 11, 2001, the following interaction happened:

Fourteen-year-old boy:

Hey Mom ummmm are you going to leave the house soon

His Mom: 

Son it’s not safe to walk outside now. Your great Uncle works in one of those buildings

Fourteen-year-old boy:

Yeah, it’s so terrible. So when do you think the next time you’ll be gone is?

His Mom:

Why do you want me to leave the house so bad?

Fourteen-year-old boy:

I don’t I was just asking

Italians Can’t Get Mad At Pride Month:

As someone whose name ends in a vowel, it’s very odd to me to see the Italian part of my family have qualms with pride month. Italians literally kiss their friends with tongue if they haven’t seen each other for more than five minutes, cry constantly, and love drama. The differences between Jersey Shore and Queer Eye are few and far between. 

Girls That Like Lana Del Rae Are The Most Based Women:

Facts.

There Are Two Versions Of White Men (Rogan Guys and Barstool Guys):

When a white guy first experiences mental illness, there’s a fork in the road giving him his next direction. On the left is Barstool Sports, where he will develop a deep hunger for the interactions between internet personalities in their thirties and listen to guys talk about sports in a way that few have done before. On the right is the Rogan verse, where he will go from casually consumer standup comedy to falling in love with fellow depressed alcoholics that need to make jokes in order to escape despair. There’s some overlap here, but there’s a lot you can tell about a guy based on whether or not he knows who Dasha is or if he knows who weird haircut Seth is. One will get drunk and rant to you about Tuanon, and the other will rant to you about Q Anon. 

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