Look, it either has happened or will happen to everyone. Whether it goes down after weeks of fighting, discovering you’re being cheated on, or it’s just out of the blue, at some point in life your heart is going to feel like the equivalent of a Hector Neris 1-2 pitch in the top of the ninth: cockslapped 110mph into the upper deck of right field in Citizens Bank Park. Now aside from having to watch the seeping shit pile that has been the Philadelphia Phillies’ bullpen the last five or so years, there are probably few things that can bring as much hatred for a human being than being dumped, and that’s an understandable feeling. I can honestly say, though, that I count being dumped as a blessing because it allowed me to mend a relationship that I had been seriously neglecting.
Anyone that knows me also knows that I have a profound appreciation for my phallic friend. It’s rare that I go more than a few hours without talking about it, and if there’s a chance to enter a good penis conversation I’m always ready to lead the charge. Sure, it’s not really anything special in the size department, but it’s mine and I love it. I am embarrassed to say, though, that there was a period of time in which I really neglected my dick, and it was only after I got dumped that I realized it.
I’m not sure exactly how long into my first serious relationship it was that I stopped giving proper attention to Little Tim, but if I had to wager a guess, I’d say it probably took about three months, which is incredibly alarming because it means that for just about a year afterwards my meat popsicle wasn’t getting nearly the attention he deserved. From the ages of 13-18 I put my guy through some serious workouts, and then threw him to the side like Gloria Trillo firing a fat piece of steak at Tony Soprano’s head. My jerk off habits started to slow from one a day to more of an every other day type of schedule, and soon, I was only cranking my shank once every three days or so. The only real excuse I have for my actions is that I believed that I didn’t really need that alone time anymore, but when I look back, I know that’s not an excuse at all. Needless to say, my breakup couldn’t have come at a more needed time.
Faced with the profound realization that it was pretty much back to the way it was when I was fourteen and had just discovered Pornhub for the first time, I got to work fixing a relationship that was probably more broken than any relationship I’ll have for the rest of my life. The process was like a high school football preseason: exhausting two a days for weeks meant to build up the strength and stamina of star players. Thankfully, my hard work and willingness to admit my mistakes was enough for my dick to take me back, and I can happily say that we’ve had no problems in months.
A lot of people say that after a relationship ends, they can take a lot from it and learn for the future, and I didn’t really believe that for most of my life. I know now that it’s true, though. Never again will I neglect the one thing that’s always been there for me because no relationship is more important than me and my slightly below average pecker.