the godfather
One day, I hope to be famous enough to be a guest on the YouTube series Hot Ones. If you’re unfamiliar with the show, different celebrities sit down for a one-on-one with Sean Evans (the GOAT) while eating chicken wings that get progressively hotter. Once a majority of the guests get around halfway through, they start to feel the heat of the wings, typically ending the show in immense pain. After miserably failing the Buffalo Wild Wings Blazin’ Challenge, I always wondered how I would fare on Hot Ones. Here’s how I imagine my interview would go:
Sean: So, how do you do around spicy foods?
Myself: I like to think I’ve got a decently strong tolerance for heat, but nothing too crazy.
This would be a lie. I like some solid flavor in my food, but I’m also white. I’ll try and act like the medium buffalo wings at Bdubs aren’t spicy, however, they make me cry profusely without fail. This comment will definitely come back to haunt me once we hit the fifth wing.
Sean: I found online that you started a multi-million dollar lemonade stand empire by the time you were ten years old – what do you attribute your success to?
Myself: Hard work, Sean. My parents always told me that I could accomplish anything if I simply put my mind to it.
This would be the second lie of the day. Prior to my interview, I hopped onto Wikipedia and found that there was absolutely nothing interesting on my page since it didn’t even exist. So, I took around fifteen minutes to come up with the most impressive false accomplishments that could seem somewhat real.
Sean: Now that we’ve finished the third wing, how are you feeling?
Myself: I’m feeling great and happy to be here. These wings have had great flavor on them so far.
Before I even started eating the wings, I knew that I was in trouble. But, I didn’t realize I would be in this much trouble. My lips are completely numb and my tongue is on fire. Somebody say a prayer for me.
Sean: According to your high school’s basketball archives, it says that you averaged a triple-double for your entire four-year varsity career. Why didn’t you choose to play D1 Ball?
Myself: To be completely honest Sean, I just needed to start the next chapter of my life. Sure, playing basketball at Duke or Kansas would’ve been a cool experience, but the lifestyle of a frat star was just too tempting.
You’d be surprised at how easy it is to hack into a school website and alter a bunch of old basketball stats. I actually did not average a triple-double over a four-year varsity career, but I did lead my team in ankle injuries per season as well as positive COVID tests per season, which are the only two statistics that really matter.
Sean: You’re looking a little pale there, do you want to take a break?
Myself: *projectile vomits all over the remaining wings and Sean*
This interview took quite a turn. That sixth wing was obviously a little too much for my tummy and completely shut down my entire digestive system. But, there was no way that I was going to just tap out.
Myself: Come on Sean, let’s keep going, I can finish this.
Sean: Dude, your wings are covered in puke. Just go home.
I did indeed go home. Although I failed to finish all ten wings as I had hoped, the Hot Ones producers refused to cut out the clip of me throwing up everywhere, so now I have the most viewed episode of all time. Take that, Gordon Ramsay.
