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How Not To Please A Woman

I really wanted to write a blog called How To Please A Woman, but I still have no clue how to do that. So, instead here is how not to please a woman. Just don’t do these things and maybe she won’t hate it.

Play hardcore gangster rap

Songs like Lil Pump’s Gucci Gang and Meek Mill’s Dreams and Nightmares are sure to set the tone for how the rest of the evening will unfold.

Skip foreplay

If you do engage in some pregame behavior, make sure it’s all about you and your needs. I’m told girls like being ignored anyway.

Keep your shirt and socks on

Nothing screams “I hate myself” more than remaining as clothed as possible while getting down and dirty. Act like you’re at a restaurant on the beach and abide by the “no shirt, no shoes, no service” rule.

Apologize for your size

Make sure that she knows that you know that you’re ill equipped to get the job done. This way she won’t be as disappointed in the end. Trust me, girls love a fair warning.

Call her “bro”

You know when you get really excited and forget that you’re talking to a girl so you let words like “bro” or “dude” slip out? Well, if you wanna make sex extremely uncomfortable just go ahead and do that in the middle. Just a little “holy shit, dude that’s great” or even “yeah, man” goes a long way.

High five when you finish

Sometimes a girl isn’t able to tell when you’ve “run out of steam” (steam being ejaculate) and you need to let her know that you’re all done. Well, if you wanna end things awkwardly just give her a high five. Remember, to get the best clap sound you gotta perfectly align your two elbows.

Immediately leave to make yourself a sandwich

Some girls like to be held after doing the deed. Instead, go ahead and make yourself a bologna and cheese sandwich. Once it’s made, eat it in bed while you watch some Live PD. This will make you completely resistible.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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