How To Get A Girlfriend

I’m gonna be straight up with all of you. I have absolutely no game. Like negative game, actually. I’m not going to get into specifics, but trust me my experience with girls is both pathetic and embarrassing. Well, that was the case up until about about a year ago.

See, I don’t wanna brag or anything, but even I have a girlfriend. Most people look at me and wonder “why is she with him? He must be packing or rich or something.” I’m none of those things. So how did someone who sweats anytime a female approaches get himself a girlfriend? Not only will I tell you, I’ll give you the whole step-by-step guide to getting one of your own.

Step #1: Pretend to be someone you’re not

Hear me out, I know a lot of you already disagree with the first step, but just trust me. Obviously in order to actually date someone you can’t just not show your true personality. However, when you first meet, you can and should be someone you’re not. I’m not saying you should lie and tell her that your father is Warren Buffett. You shouldn’t even lie about your likes and dislikes. Yet, you can still pretend to be slightly cooler than you actually are. See, for me, tricking my now-girlfriend meant that I needed to act like a fun guy who likes to be social and talk to new people. Not only do I despise going out to clubs, but the main reason is specifically because I hate meeting new people. Small talk sucks, people are whack, and I have severe social anxiety. So how did I succeed in making her think I liked those things? Alcohol, of course. While you are in no way allowed to get a girl really drunk in hopes of going home with her, you are allowed to do so yourself whilst in pursuit. That’s what I did. If you too are scared of women, just get blacked out on white wine (it was actually toscana bianco to be specific), head to a club (ugh, gross), and challenge girls to a game of sticks (the one with your fingers, you know what I mean). Win or lose (I lost several times), this is a great ice breaker to show you aren’t creepy (again, hide your true self) and know how to count.

Step #2: Come up with an elaborate plan to see her again

Assuming you were able to pull off step number one and find a potential suitor, you are going to need to find a way to ask her out in a 21st century, cool guy way. See, women nowadays don’t want a guy who asks them on a date after speaking for less than an hour. That for some reason is now creepy. Instead, you wanna accidentally run into her on purpose. So, being as non-creepy as possible, you are going to spend the next week or so trying your best to wind up in the same location as her. That means going to dreaded clubs and talking to mutual friends about her whereabouts. Do not by any means stalk this girl. There is a fine line between being a stalker and just so happening to go to the same night club as someone else. Don’t wait by the door for her with a creepy smile. Don’t say “I’ve been expecting you.” And definitely don’t walk up to her and offer a random drink. Revert back to step one and act cool.

Step #3: Talk to her

This is by far the hardest and most important step in getting a girlfriend. The second time you guys meet, you need to make a good, everlasting connection. In order to have any chance of being with this girl, you need her to leave the night thinking “woah, I actually might like this guy.” How do you do so? Honestly, I’m still quite unsure. You’re definitely gonna need alcohol again, that’s for sure. However, this time you can’t get sloppy drunk. You need to seem smart, funny, and a good time. How did I exhibit these traits? Simple. I paid one of those dudes on a rickshaw bike to drive us through the McDonald’s drive thru. Charming, I know.

Step #4: Get her number and start talking

I hope if you’ve paid for this girl’s McNuggets she has at least given you her phone number. If she hasn’t, just give up. It’s clear she is using you for free McDanks. However, if you did get her phone number, you are killing it. All you need to do now is text her. Come up with some reason to text her though, not just “hey, what’s up lol.” That sucks and will never work. Maybe something like “are you going out tonight I wanna see you” or “quick what ice cream flavor should I get?” Literally anything that shows you are thinking of her, but also has some sort of context to it. Get creative and pray to all the gods that she responds.

Step #5: Be around

This is the final step. Just be around. Not constantly, again no stalking. What I mean is just don’t let her forget about you. A lot of alpha males on TikTok will tell you to ghost her for a little so she realizes she misses you. While that may work for charismatic, good looking guys, that is not our gameplan boys. Like it or not, you are forgettable. That means, you need to remind her that you are there for her. Text her out of the blue. Ask what she’s up to. Try to see her. Literally, just be there. If she texts you, respond (after a little bit of course to seem cool). Nevertheless, the more she sees you the more she relies on you. That is the trick of getting a girlfriend.

Step #6: Ask her to be your girlfriend

Okay, I know I just said “final step” before, but I lied. You do actually need to ask her to be your girlfriend if you actually want that to happen. If you don’t, eventually she’ll be like “so what are we?” If it gets to that point, you’ve already lost. This part sucks (I feel like I’ve said that a lot which isn’t good but oh well), but you are going to need to flat out ask her if she will be your girlfriend. Yes, you will feel like a child, but it must be done. If she says yes, congratulations, mission complete. If she says no, you may die on the inside, but you mustn’t let it show. My girlfriend said no when I asked her, but then two weeks later she asked me, so trust me hope isn’t completely gone. Unless she says “eww gross no!” Then it may be time to call it quits.

I hope this guide was helpful. Looking back, it feels pretty creepy to even try and get a girlfriend. Even more than that, it’s extremely nerve racking and stressful. Yet, at the same time it’s the best thing you’ll ever do.

Seriously though, don’t be creepy you creep.

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Written by Alex Becker

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