If your entire school year was filled with nothing but borderline alcoholism and less-than-sufficient dietary habits, then you’re probably stuck scrolling through Instagram wishing you looked like Alex Eubank. Don’t worry though – you’re certainly not alone. You might be considering a vast multitude of “get fit fast” options, but I’m here to tell you that a majority of them are downright horsecrap. If you really want to get shredded for the summer quickly, then follow these tips and tricks that helped me and countless others achieve the physique of their dreams:
Tip #1: Cut Out All Meals
I’m sure you’ve probably seen a bunch of different diets floating around the internet – each claiming to be the best way to get in shape. While I’m a personal fan of the carnivore diet, the only true way to get super lean is to cut out all meals entirely. I’m not talking just breakfast or lunch. You will eat nothing but peppermint Zyns and drink nothing but Celsius (Oasis Vibe is my personal favorite). You might be asking yourself, “what about protein intake?”. In return, I ask you, “why get fat in the first place?”. If you want to lose that beer belly before America’s birthday, you’ve got to put in some serious work my friend. As long as you have enough caffeine and adrenaline coursing through your veins at all times, you shouldn’t need “calories”. Sure, this method might put you at risk of permanent diabetes, but who said getting a six-pack wouldn’t require some sacrifices?
Tip #2: Live in the Gym
A lot of bodybuilders will use the phrase “live in the gym” in order to describe their intense level of discipline and work ethic. However, none of these guys actually live in the gym. If you want to get shredded fast, you literally will need to sleep at your gym (trespass if necessary). Bring only the essentials and set up shop in a dark corner of the locker room where hopefully no one will notice you. Sleep isn’t all that necessary, so I recommend that you go on the Stairmaster for the entire time that you’re not lifting. If you’re not a little b*tch, you should be able to get through an entire PPL (Push, Pull, Legs) split every day, which will get you in tip-top shape faster than you could ever imagine.
Tip #3: Intestinal Parasites
This tip might be viewed as a tad bit extreme, but god does it work wonderfully. If both tip #1 and tip #2 aren’t doing the trick for you, try developing an intestinal parasite inside of you and those abs will be popping sooner than you can say “giardia intestinalis”. Usually, cutting out all meals – and therefore nutrition – will get that scale to drop like Joe Biden on a moderately steep set of stairs, but sometimes that stubborn fat just won’t seem to go away. An intestinal parasite is pretty much exactly the same as a Weight Watchers program except you don’t have to pay for it (or actually eat anything). If these things don’t work, maybe go try that Coolsculpt garbage that’s consistently offered at your doctor’s office. Otherwise, you’re just out of luck.
As long as you remain disciplined, I promise that you’ll be ready for the beach in no time. Once I got back from school, I immediately moved into my local XSport and ate an entire package of raw ground beef (my last meal to this day). I won’t act like it was all sunshine and happiness, but now that I look like a prime Arnold Schwarzenegger, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Full disclaimer – this shredding method does NOT guarantee you to sleep with more women despite popular belief. Something called “consent” usually prevents you from partaking in any of that.
