I am not a coffee drinker. I am a firm believer that the coffee community is just a cult that sucks people in for $6 a day and gives them nothing but the shits and whipped cream for their undersized dogs. That said, this morning I woke up exhausted and needed some sort of caffeine to start my day. Could I have drank an energy drink? Sure, but unlike the girl from your high school that somehow never brought a backpack, I can’t really stomach a sour watermelon flavored can of liquid cocaine at 8am. So, I was relegated to the place I despise most in western society: Starbucks.
Walking into what felt like a New York subway station filled with pilates instructors and die-hard fans of Queer Eye, I immediately felt like a fish out of water as I stood in line wearing stained sweatpants and a trucker hat I got for free from a liquor store. Trying not to make eye contact with a single person as to avoid conversations about Taylor Swift and being voluntarily gluten-free, I studied the menu only to see a white chocolate macadamia cookie cold brew with toasted cookie crumble topping (just typing that out hurt my soul). As someone that grew up on Cookie Crisp as a child, obviously I was intrigued. However, I think we can all agree that drink is not intended for people with penises (look how gender inclusive I am). Despite this way of thinking, I felt compelled to try something other than iced coffee with cream and sugar for the first time ever. Yet, not wanting the barista with face piercings to judge me, I crafted a complex and intricate plan to order my drink. Here was the scheme:
Step 1: Make it clear the drink is not for you
No self-respecting man would ever order a coffee that has more than three words in the name. Yet, ordering a drink for a significant other makes you seem like a real stand-up guy, so the first thing you are going to want to do is make it abundantly clear that you will not be the one enjoying this drink. In fact, you should almost make it seem as if you are annoyed by the idea of you even ordering it. What I did was pretend to look at my phone as if I were reading a text message. You say, “my girlfriend sent me what to get her. I don’t understand any of this mumbo jumbo” and then immediately look down at your weather app as if you are at a middle school dance. No matter if you truly have a girlfriend or have invested money into an oculus for VR porn, this is a great trick to let the cashier know you are against everything this drink stands for.
Step 2: Refuse to say the actual name
Like I said before, no man should be ordering coffee that has more words in its name than a girl celebrating her quinceanera. That means you want to say as few words as possible so that the barista still knows what you’re talking about. In my case, I shortened “white chocolate macadamia cookie cold brew with toasted cookie crumble topping” to “can I get a macadamia iced coffee?” Am I aware that cold brew and iced coffee are different? Yes, but I can’t let the they/them behind the counter know that. When they ask what size, make sure you don’t use the messed up Starbucks customary system and reply with either “medium” or “large.” Saying “venti” shows all of your cards in a heartbeat.
Step 3: Pick up your drink with a look of hatred
When they call your misspelled name and hand you over a drink that looks more like a milkshake than a coffee, you mustn’t show any sign of happiness. You should look at this drink like you look at that girl that believes WNBA players should be paid the same as NBA players, maybe even let out a gruntled sigh as you pick it up off the counter. This really helps lock in the idea you hate that your life has come to this point.
Step 4: Walk out before taking a sip
If you taste the drink inside the store, all of your hard work is for not. Act like a sex offender near a school and make sure you are at least 50 yards away from the door before you indulge in your delicious treat. It will be delicious, just not socially acceptable.