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How To Guide: Using The Men’s Bathroom

The men’s bathroom can be tricky. I don’t mean tricky as in avoiding piss puddles and perverts, but more like proper protocol for how one should handle specific situations. Well, don’t worry because unlike math or driving or doing sex, bathrooms are one of the very few things I’ve hit the 10,000 hour mark in. So, as an expert, here is a comprehensive how-to-guide on the men’s bathroom.

Urinal Selection

Obviously this is the focal point of the men’s bathroom how-to-guide which is why I’ve put it first. Unless you are a woman or it’s your first day being a man, every guy knows that you do not choose a urinal next to one currently in use. That said, it’s a bit more complicated than that. In the scenario where you walk into an empty bathroom, you go all the way down to the furthest urinal making sure to leave a buffer in case someone else walks in. If a urinal is already in use when you enter, you leave a buffer and then do your business. If there are open urinals with no buffer in between then this is where things get tricky. First, if there is a stall open you use that, no questions asked. If no stalls are available, you need to check for barriers. If there are barriers, go ahead and squeeze in there. No barriers and no buffers means you sir are waiting. That is, unless there’s a large line and people waiting behind you (like a stadium or something), in that case you are unfortunately forced to take a leak unexposed next to strange men. If that happens, make like a witness in a prison stabbing and don’t see shit.

Hand Washing

Like urinal selection, hand washing is complicated. If you take a piss in an empty bathroom don’t kid yourself and just walk straight out. If people are in there, run your hands under water for half a second. If you take a piss in the handicap stall, turn on the water as an illusion of hand washing before you walk out. If you shit and people are there, you’re washing your hands for sure. Now, if you take a dump and come out into an empty bathroom, then that decision is all yours my friend.

Personal clean up

Sometimes you make a little oopsie in the bathroom, it happens. Now what kind of oopsie determines your actions in cleaning it up. Let’s say you’re relegated to a stall to piss and get some on the seat. If it’s completely on you and manageable, go ahead, be a good dude, and clean up after yourself. Yet, if that stall had sludge stains on the walls before you entered, that piss is the least of the problem so you can just let the guy next guy handle it. For something like a clog, that is never your responsibility. Missing the toilet on a deuce is most definitely your fault, but also not your job. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it, anything that needs cleaning outside of a couple piss drops should just be handled by those who have proper credentials, so you can really just leave anything in there. 

Conversation

This one is easy. No conversation in the men’s room. It comes off creepy and unwanted. At most, you can give a head nod or no teeth smile to a stranger. Anything more and you are subject to getting your ass kicked in the handicap stall.

Vaping

Okay number one thing, and this goes for all drugs, if there is a single person bathroom or gender-neutral stall use that. In the situation you must use the men’s bathroom to get high, go to the handicap stall and try your best to not blow fat clouds. I know they’re cool and we all like to see smoke come out of our mouths, but try to zero your vapes. Sometimes you get stuck up pansies in the bathroom with you who will rat you out to the restaurant, so just be mindful. However, if you don’t see anyone with a white handlebar mustache and an NRA hat, you’re probably good to blow Os. Just study your audience.

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Written by Alex Becker

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