I recently got myself into a bit of scuffle. As a sheltered and uncoordinated kid from suburbia, I’m sure it comes as a shock to no one that this was my first ever real fight. Sure, I’ve gotten into my fair share of skirmishes with friends and siblings, but those tend to revolve more around wrestling and flailing about than actually throwing fists. That said, I have been around fights before. I’m friends with several hot heads that drunkenly pick fights just pick them, which often gets me in the middle as the one holding people back to de-escalate the situation. I know that’s kind of a bitch move to not stick up for my boys, but to be fair it’s usually their fault and I honestly just hate confrontation. I tend to shy away from combat. Yeah, I frequently talk shit to random strangers on the street when I’m blacked with the boys at 2:00am, but I never have any intentions of actually fighting. That changed this past weekend.
I learned a lot in my first physical altercation. It’s transformed me. I have a new understanding of fighting and felt the need to share my story. I was going to title this “how to win a fight,” but unfortunately I was not victorious in the contest. In fact, I had my ass handed to me. I’d love to write a blog helping people win fights, but sadly I can’t give advice on something I too am trying to figure out. What I can do though is tell you how you can lose a fight, and then you can just avoid entirely what I did. Sounds good? Great, here’s how you lose a fight.
Step 1: Take on a group larger than you
When I say “larger,” I mean both physically bigger humans and also more of them. Specifically, if you want to make sure there is no chance of victory you would want to target a group of eight people that are clearly in better shape and stronger than you and your one friend. If you’re drunk (which is highly suggested to numb the inevitable pain), you’re gonna want to make that apparent. Slur your words, close one of your eyes, drool a little — anything you need to do in order to make the opponent realize you are in poor physical condition.
Step 2: Be way too funny
I learned quickly that the meaner your comments are towards your opponents, the madder they will become and thus even more aggressive when hurting you. In order to be mean, your shit talk needs to be accurate. This requires keen analysis of your subject. The more specific your joke is, the more painful it is. So go after small details about them rather than just calling them “fuck face” or “dick muncher.” Aside from just being mean, it should also be pretty funny. Getting other people to laugh at the target will infuriate them and make them more likely to stomp on your throat. So don’t be afraid to get creative. Make comparisons to some oddly specific references, be sarcastic, maybe even whip out some props if needed, just be funny. If your jokes don’t land, you may not get your ass kicked.
Step 3: Do NOT Swing First
This is the biggest step in losing a fight. Make sure, no matter what, you do not throw the first punch. In fact, you’re gonna want to take the opening swing right to the side of the head. Swinging second not only removes legal trouble, but it also significantly lowers your chances of making contact with your target as they now have time to process and get out of the way. When you do throw your fist, don’t worry about aiming, just swing blindly. Fighting isn’t as much about actually causing damage as it is surviving until people break it up. So whether you hit anyone or not, the main goal is to look like you’ve done something in the brawl. No one actually cares about stats, those can be fluffed later on.
Step 4: Lie on the ground
Once you’ve taken the first punch square to the temple, you’re gonna want to make some sort of effort to fight back before slowly making your way down to the ground. Once you’ve lowered yourself (regardless of whether it was voluntary or by shove), you’re gonna want to get comfy. This is really where you seal up the loss. Exposing yourself out on the pavement opens you up to all sorts of punishment like soccer kicks in the gut and stomps on your limbs. If you execute it right, you should be entirely defenseless and easily lock up the loss.
Step 5: Change your story
If you have followed steps 1-4 by now, congratulations, you have officially had your ass kicked! The hard part is over. You’ve put in the time and now get to reap the benefits. If done correctly, you should be physically injured to the point where all of your conversations begin with “what the hell happened to you?” It’s way cooler when someone else brings up your apparent injury rather than you just forcing the story onto someone. So hopefully you have some bumps or a black eye, maybe a cast if you’re lucky. Now, when asked about the incident, you are gonna need to lie. Losing fights isn’t cool and won’t get you any sympathy sex. You know what will? Telling people you got jumped by eight random dudes, but drunkenly fought them off without them stealing anything. See, it’s all about wording and only giving away certain information. Don’t tell people about the lying on the ground strategy, they wouldn’t understand. Instead, just say you threw a few punches but it was broken up quickly. Be vague, it will seem like you don’t want to talk about it which makes you look tough, humble and unfazed. Whatever you say, just keep the story consistent and let the sympathy roll in. Remember, pity sex is just as good as normal sex.