Alex Becker
It’s midterm season. If you’re anything like me, midterms are the second most stressful part of the year right behind your annual STI check. Not because I care about getting good grades or any nerd shit like that, but mainly because I haven’t gone to class all semester and can’t afford another W on my transcript. So how does one secure a passing grade on a cumulative test in a subject they know nothing about? I’ll tell you. Here are three ways to pass your midterm for a class you have never been to.
Cheating
I mean this was obviously gonna be Option A. Cheating is the best. There is no better feeling than getting a better grade doing jackshit than someone who lost countless hours of sleep studying their ass off. The tricky part isn’t even the actual act of cheating though, it’s coming up with an elaborate scheme. See, the way you cheat differs by class. For a math class, you may want to use the good ol’ formulas written on the inside of a water bottle label trick. While for something multiple choice, you are probably fine just looking at the person next to you (always make sure there is only one test form though). Personally, I’m too blind to cheat the old fashioned way, so that’s where schemes come in. Possibilities are endless when it comes to scheming. Maybe you have someone pretend to be you and take the test for you, or maybe you go full-on Inspector Gadget and buy recording glasses and an earpiece to cheat like Cookie from Ned’s Declassified. If you want my advice, I’d say to play the COVID card. I know what you’re thinking, “Becks, COVID is finished/made up by the government.” Yes, I know that, but your professors don’t. Thus, tell them you have COVID on the day of the exam. They won’t fail you because technically you’re being a good samaritan by staying at home. Chances are they will reschedule your exam for you to take it alone. Now, all you have to do is get the answers. Professors are typically lazy and grumpy considering they spent so much money on higher education just to live in a college town and make 60K for the rest of their lives, so they probably won’t make a new test just for you, meaning as long as you have either a friend in class or $100 you can get the answers from someone who took it on-time. Honestly, the only tricky part about this plan is that you may be asked to prove you have COVID. If that’s the case, just go to Chuck E. Cheese, lick every single arcade game, wait two hours, and thank me later.
Sexual Advances
This option really only works if you’re a sexual juggernaut like Chaz Michael Michaels or Jeffery Dahmer, but basically the plan is to make your teacher fall in love with you. Or fuck them. Whichever is easiest. What do I mean exactly? Well, a professor isn’t going to fail their favorite student, especially if by “favorite” you mean “most fuckable.” Now, I know that sounds crude, but it’s the truth. I’m not saying that you should have sex with your professor to pass your midterm, that would be ridiculous save that option for the final. What I’m saying is that you make it seem that sex is on the table. Just like how girls get free drinks at the bar by making it seem that sex is a possibility, you can secure a good midterm grade simply by implying something could happen in the future. So how do you go about this? Well, for starters you will kinda need to start going to class. Don’t worry, you don’t need to pay attention. Just look good, ask some questions here and there, and after class go up and flirt. I know that sounds weird, but it’s not very hard to flirt with old people. Just talk to them like how you would talk to your friend’s mom. Be cute, make jokes, and compliment them on their new tweed blazer. Maybe even schedule office hours so the two of you can connect one-on-one. Now, there are two possible problems that may arise. First, the professor may not be interested in your advances. If this is the case, I’m sorry but you are probably just not oozing as much sex appeal as necessary and will need to enact either option one or three. The other problem you may encounter is sexual preference. Maybe you’re a straight guy and your professor is also a man. This should not stop you. Get your head out of the gutter and stop being so homophobic. No one is too straight to flirt with another man. I’m not saying you should give him a handy or anything, just be nice, ask about his day, talk sports, whatever you gotta do to keep him entertained. Trust me, he may fall in love with you without even realizing it.
Studying
I highly recommend this as a last resort option. Obviously you don’t want to study because studying is just learning and if you liked learning then you would have been going to class this entire time. That said, if you don’t think cheating will work and you happen to be somewhat ugly, this is probably your only choice. However, studying doesn’t need to suck ass. Try to get a study guide from a class nerd or foreign exchange student. A good study guide makes cramming so much easier, so try to get the most organized, concise one you can find. I recommend exchange students since they have the intelligence and drive to create a comprehensive study guide, yet only basic English skills so it’s easy enough to understand. It’s kind of like adding “for kids” at the end of a Google search after the Wikipedia explanation goes over your head. If you can’t manage to get a study guide, Google the course name followed by the word “Quizlet.” Bang, problem solved. You’re welcome.
