Mailman Dave
There are two types of families for Easter. First, there’s the family that is super religious and makes you spend all morning in Church. You have no desire to be there as you’re still drunk as fuck from last night. Your head is aching as the priest is going on and on about shit you could care less about. You can’t go on your phone and be rude cause you know they’ll be hell to pay for once you get home. Or second, your family doesn’t care about church, but there’s a bunch of small kids, so there are Easter egg hunts and a shit ton of candy. Maybe you’re lucky, and your family does brunch for Easter instead of a dinner, and there you can sneak gallons of mimosas and act like it’s normal orange juice. With holidays like Thanksgiving, there’s great food, football all day, and it’s okay to lay on the couch with your pants unbuttoned as you ate and drank so much. With Christmas, it’s perfectly okay to drink gallons of spiked eggnog, and it’s part of being festive. Easter is strange because some people want to be religious still, and others who want to give all of the children all of the candy if your family is making you come home for Easter. Here’s how to survive it.
- If you’re still drunk from last night, make sure to hide it. You can’t be blowing chunks behind pews.
- If your family does Easter egg hunts, make sure to steal some candy for yourself. You might be too old to search for eggs, but that doesn’t mean your too old to eat handfuls of chocolate.
- If your family is religious, sit, smile, and nod. You don’t need to get in an argument with your 70-year-old grandparent. Sometimes it’s worth it to smile and nod. Remember, this is real life and not Twitter.
- Hopefully, your cousin, who is also a degenerate, is there. Every family has one cousin who drinks and parties as hard as you do. Hopefully, that cousin is also at Easter, and you can tell war stories of last weekend together and avoid the dreadful political conversation that breaks out at every family function. This is probably the same cousin you used to sneak into the woods with and smoke weed with when you were 16.
- It’s just one day soon enough you’ll be back at college partying with your friends. You can do it.
