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How To Tap A Keg, You Morons

For most everyone reading this, it is just about time to get back on campus, which means it is time to get back to making it a bad day to be a beer. After making my liver twitch over July 4 the last few weeks have been pretty low key but I am ready to get after it — vaxx’d not masked!

Having experienced some pretty serious fuckups in the past, I took it upon myself to become a keg tapping master. I want to pass that knowledge to you.

You’re welcome.

One — Make sure you have the right tap. This sounds like a no brainer, and most times the store will give it to you, but there are both ‘D’ type and ‘S’ types — and some others but those are the main two. No, they don’t work for the other. D is for American beer. S is for imports. Which means you need a D type…

Two — Don’t just get your keg and go in dry. Get it on ice. Like all the way, not just the bottom third, you heathen. Too many times the keg is just set in the least amount of ice as possible, if any, and that will make it harder to tap, it will also create more head and give you less of the tasty treat.

Three — Time to actually tap it. Obviously you have to take the plastic off the top of the keg to tap it, I shouldn’t have to say that, but never know… and from there, pull the pump handle up, line up the coupler with the openings on the keg, push down with some force and turn clockwise. Usually it will be about a 90 turn and it should click into place.

Four — Push the pump handle down (just once, don’t start pumping like its your first time getting it in). That single pump engages and lets the gas get working into the keg. If you see bubbles around the connection, it is not right. Take it back off and start over or you will be battling head all night.

Five — Don’t start pumping away, there is no need. When you first tap the keg it is pressurized and ready to go. Pour that first one — which will be almost all head — and toss that away. Then you are ready to go. After the first ten or so is when you will need to start pumping to replace the pressure released from the beer.

Oh… also… don’t pump with each pour, and don’t pump without the beer flowing. Start pouring, then pump, stop after your beer is full. You don’t need to be pumping all the damn time, trust the process. And you should never be pumping with a closed nozzle. Pump while pouring.

This is all vital information. Use it. Pass it on.

Photo by Lucas Beck on Unsplash

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Written by Malcolm Henry

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