How To “Win” A Breakup

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EPISODE 6 IS OUT!! Brought to you by Sunday Scaries!! Listen now on Spotify or Apple Music. We talk about the time I took a Greyhound bus to meet a man, how to “win” a breakup, and what to post right after getting broken up with. The episode has the actual details, but here’s a quick list of what NOT to do after a guy breaks your heart:

Also, Sunday Scaries gave us a discount code for you guys, it’s “Stayloyal” for 25% off their entire site!!! If I were you I’d buy the sleep oil. If you’re reading this list you probably need it, let’s be honest. I like to take it before bed and I get excited to go to sleep because of it. It’s like the best part of my day hahaha. Anyways here’s what not to do when you’re heartbroken.

Don’t Post Weird Things

Listen to me: Save that long quote you found on Pinterest in your drafts. Even if you swear to God it’s ambiguous enough to be about “anyoneeeee not seeing your worth! No one will know it’s secretly about Jason from Pike!” They’re gonna know. We all know. And Jason from Pike will know. He’s not stupid, we’re not stupid, and now all of your followers feel like Jason’s ghosting them too right now. Leave. It. In. The. Drafts.

Don’t Hook Up With His Friends

I shouldn’t have to type this out. But I’m going to anyway. No friends, roommates, teammates, or family members. Unless you like them more. But if you’re secretly just trying to win the original guy back, he won’t get mad because he’s jealous, he’ll just never talk to you again.

Don’t Try To Make Him Jealous

This one’s gonna hurt, but has to be said: posting a bunch of random guys on your story in the hopes that he’ll slide up and start a weird drunk fight with you is just as see-through. At that point, you might as well just post “Jason From Lambda: I Miss You So Much”. What you should do is leave room for him to wonder what you’re doing. Be more mysterious.

Don’t Call Him Every Time You’re Drunk

Okay. I’m actually the last person that should be giving this advice. I’m in a bad drunk calling / texting phase. But, on paper, you shouldn’t do that. Calling him when you’re drunk gives him the power. Think about how you feel when guys drunk text you. Powerful!!! Hot!!! Sexy!! If he broke your heart, don’t let him feel like powerful, hot, or sexy. Again, be more mysterious!!! Make him wonder if you miss him or not. Three white claws are not an excuse to revisit that fight you had four months ago.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Breakups are hard, whether you dated for five years or you were just dating in your mind. Getting over a guy you never dated is way harder, actually, because you were in the honeymoon phase. If you slip up and post something embarrassing, if you texted him to beg for him back, if you drunk called him twenty times last night, it’s all okay. We’ve all been there. Everyone slips up sometimes. Dwelling on your mistake isn’t helpful because you’ll feel even worse. Don’t apologize to him, just apologize to yourself. You’re so hot, sexy, and powerful!! If he can’t see that right now, he will the second you realize it yourself. But by then, you’ll already have forgotten about James from Pike. Wait, was it Jason?

This episode is my favorite!! Here’s the link for Spotify and Apple Music. Rate it five stars if we’re friends. I love you guys!!

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