Alex Becker
Time flies when you’re having fun. It’s true. You may not realize it until it’s too late but college changes you. You enter a child, no matter how mature you think you are or how hairy your genitals may be, all freshmen are undeveloped little fetuses. That’s not a bad thing, in fact I’d give anything to go back three years ago just to be a kid again. I don’t say freshmen are children just because of their literal age and the fact that their biggest worry in the world is a bitchy RA named Sandra who can smell their geeb from eight doors down. I say that because from the time you enter college to the time you leave, your entire view of the world changes. It’s hard to see it as it’s happening, but by the end of your four years it will become clear. However, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll give you the top three signs that you’re growing up.
1. Going to the doctor
As a kid, you go to the same doctor every single year just to check that you’re not dying on the inside. They know everything about you from your name to how much your dick has grown since last visit. Once you enter college, doctors seem to become a thing of the past. Odds are you can solve any of your problems with Advil, a nap, and some time.
It doesn’t matter if I have a cough, sore throat, headache, or if my shoulder makes a clicking sound anytime I move, I’m giving it at least a month to fix itself before I seek help. If the time does come where I’ve determined a professional is needed, I go to urgent care which is basically like the elementary school nurse if they charged you money and acted like you were an inconvenience to their day. Urgent care is cool because instead of running all these tests and asking questions to figure out what’s wrong, they let you diagnose yourself and just hand you a prescription. It’s almost like Mexico, especially considering the doctor’s license is technically only valid in Guadalajara.
2. Realizing how many people do cocaine
Remember in middle school when police officers would come talk to the class about the dangers of doing drugs and we all just blindly believed them? That was funny. I swear even in high school I was under the impression that the only drug people sometimes did was smoke weed. Now I have friends that start their day off with two lines of fairy dust and end it by tranquilizing themselves like a horse. Look, I’m not saying drugs are good because they definitely aren’t. They melt your brain, cause physical detriment to your body, and sometimes turn you into a fucking lunatic that looks like he should be under a bridge spooning with a shaggy old man for warmth. Regardless, you are going to encounter them a lot in your time at college. Don’t feel the need to partake, however. Peer pressure isn’t like what those cops in seventh grade said it is. If you turn down a bump from someone, trust me, they won’t mind because it just means more for them. My point, though, isn’t whether drugs are good or bad (although according to my boss I need to say they’re bad for legal reasons). The point is that people everywhere do cocaine and drugs of all sorts that you would never expect. The barista at Starbucks? Yep, she blows down. Your mail man? That’s what makes him so friendly and efficient. Even your kindergarten teacher? Go to the club on a saturday night and I bet you see Ms. Parker and her gal pals rolling face off molly.
3. Seeing how people you grew up with change
It’s hard for yourself to see how much you’ve grown and changed, but it’s very easy to spot it on someone else, especially people you knew when they were way younger. When you see an Instagram post from your former high school quarterback showing off his and his boyfriend’s new matching pink sweater vests, it makes it easier for you to notice that you yourself have also made some changes in your personal life. Sure, maybe you didn’t go through a full Franz Kafka metamorphosis like your old pal Issac who now goes by Izzy, but you did start brushing your hair to the left instead of the right and that’s something. Even seeing how your grandparents have aged makes you recognize that a considerable amount of time has passed. Just like how Grandpa stopped calling all asian people Chinese, you learned how to play the guitar. So, don’t think for a second that you’re the same person you’ve always been. If Gramps can #stopasisanhate and Daquan can be comfortable with his new boo, you better believe your own change is near.
