Huskies Best ‘Canes in Final Four, As Written by a Miami Hurricane

HOUSTON, TEXAS - APRIL 01: Jordan Miller #11 of the Miami Hurricanes and teammates react after losing to the Connecticut Huskies 72-59 during the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Final Four semifinal game at NRG Stadium on April 01, 2023 in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images)


My Sunday scaries have been made a whole lot scarier with the brutal loss to UConn on Saturday evening. It’s a sad day here in Coral Gables: there are a lack of cubes being tossed on frat row, the Lamborghinis are quieter than usual, and the pools are looking quite bikini-less and not in the way we’d all hope. Regardless, the Hurricanes put up a phenomenal, historic season, with Miami contenting in the Final Four for the first time in the program’s history.

Larrañaga’s ‘Canes didn’t look as coordinated as usual last night. Wooga Poplar went 0-7 for field goals, with the majority of the team not evening coming close to their PPG average. The ‘Canes grappled to get the ball in the net with a FG percentage of 32.3%, 16% under what they have been averaging.

The game was a struggle to watch all the way through. UConn started off strong and ran with it, and our cheers slowly turned into pitiful claps. The worst part is that those who drank turned bitterly sad and bitchy towards the latter part of the second half. Now that our season’s over, all we have to look forward to is baseball and contemplating how ass our football team will be this fall.

The return to normalcy after March Madness is expected to be swift for Miami students, though. Projections that I just made up show that Club Space attendance will be business as usual for the ‘Canes every goddamn day this week. Meanwhile, the girl from Westerchester County whose name is literally Gentry will be getting a $2,000 spending increase on her Dad’s Amex Platinum because she got a C+ in her intro to marketing midterm. In other news, we will actually be seeing an increase in frat pool parties this weekend, however it is expected that there will be a reduction in skiing at these parties due to a cartel war in Columbia, resulting in a 5:1 ratio rather than the typical 6:1 ratio because everyone knows that privileged girls love taking their nostrils on a trip to Aspen. Our thoughts go out to the Hurricanes’ Greek brethren and we hope the ratio rebounds strongly.

It’s whatever, though. If there is ONE thing that the Miami Hurricanes will always win at, it would be producing Tik Tok girls. So keep it up Alix Earle and Breckie Hill! You’re all we’ve got.

Written by Matty Ice

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