I Have a Debilitating Crush on Caitlin Clark

DALLAS, TEXAS - MARCH 31: Caitlin Clark #22 of the Iowa Hawkeyes celebrates after the Iowa Hawkeyes beat the South Carolina Gamecocks 77-73 during the 2023 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament Final Four semifinal game at American Airlines Center on March 31, 2023 in Dallas, Texas. (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)

Like most of you reading this, I typically have no interest in women’s sports. Of course a big change recently came from the emergence of Caitlin Clark, the most exciting thing to happen to sports since Michael Jordan played baseball. She shoots the lights out, makes incredible passes, and is flat out beautiful. Quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve thought about anything else since Saturday morning. It’s a weird thing to watch sports and find myself so sexually aroused. I didn’t know until this weekend just how attracted I am to athletic prowess. I always judged any girl in Philadelphia for telling me how hot Jalen Hurts was when I tried to watch an Eagles game, but I get it now. Typically, the excitement I get from watching someone hit a 30-foot three pointer in traffic doesn’t accompany movement in my pants, but that’s the exact predicament I found myself in this weekend. 

I knew I was in trouble when I saw her picture next to a stat line of a 40-point triple double and instantly knew I wanted to watch her play. Two games later, Clark not only has me ready to watch 40 plus women’s basketball games next year, I think I might be in love. I asked my roommates if they thought Clark was hot, and neither gave much of an answer either way. So I might have to be the first to say it, Clark hitting deep threes is the hottest thing to grace our tv screens since Kate Upton made those Game of War commercials. 

Despite losing the championship, Clark played another incredible game. What rubbed me the wrong way even more than my future-wife suffering a tough loss, was the way LSU treated Clark after the game. LSU players justified their taunting of Clark mentioning was how she was disrespectful to their SEC counterpart South Carolina after beating them. What a load of shit. If a guy fucks your neighbor’s wife you aren’t going to lose sleep over it. This is clearly a case of all women want to be Caitlin Clark, and all men want to be with her. If you disagree with me on the second part of that statement, I implore you to use your creativity. Imagine at the end of a magical night with Caitlin Clark, and she grabs a condom off of you and effortlessly launches it into the trashcan on the other end of the room. That’s the type of thing wet dreams are made of. 

I could go on all day about my newfound obsession crush on Caitlin Clark. Instead, I’d like to show her what I offer. I am 22 years old, I have a slightly above average penis (according to Reddit), I will rebound your shots all day, and I’m ready to relocate to start our new life together. This is my offer. If you go to Iowa, please show this to Caitlin Clark. 

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Written by TFM

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