Yeah, I get it. He’s the best quarterback of all time. Not only am I not denying it, but I’ll fully agree with it. I also don’t care. I fucking hate that guy. A lot of people will say, “You just hate the guy because he’s so dominant,” and to anyone currently thinking that, this is a genuine and sincere invitation for you to take a signed and deflated football and shove it so far up your ass that even Skip Bayless wouldn’t touch it. Any Brady fan that isn’t from New England (because seriously Tampa is a joke of a sports city, and we all know that everyone “rooting” for him from Tampa this year is just a hop-on-the-band-wagon dildo) can just take that bullshit dick riding they’ve been doing for the last eight years and fuck their own faces.
Like I said, you will never hear me deny the fact that Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all time, and I won’t argue with you if tell me he’s the best football player of all time because you’d be 100% right. I only ever had a slight dislike for the man before the greatest day in sports history, February 4th, 2018. As an Eagles fan, I anxiously awaited the moment that Tom Brady would go up and congratulate the human tripod, Nick Foles, on the anal pillaging he dealt out to Brady in Super Bowl LII. Anyone who watched the game – more specifically, the end of the game – will know, though, that when Brady realized that the refs didn’t hand him the game like they were supposed to, he walked right off the field and into the locker room, completely dipping Big Dick Nick. The man probably had to pop a Viagra for his “Honey, I lost” sex that night because I know for a fact that old piece of shit can’t even get it up for Giselle.
Now I know that some of you assholes will think, “He takes the game so seriously. Do you expect him to be okay with a loss?” Yet again, I will tell you to fuck your own face. Tom Brady is the absolute king of congratulating other QBs on their hard work and success when he beats them. Look no further than Super Bowl LV for proof of that. So, when he loses, he can’t shake someone’s hand who came in as a back-up QB and took his team to the Super Bowl against all odds? The greatest Super Bowl in history… the man can’t throw some respect to Nine-Inch-Nick for being the coolest mother fucker on the face of the earth? I have absolutely no respect.
Even in the 2020 season when the Bears and Buccaneers faced off and Brady yet again had to deal with the OG Mudbone-esque schlong of Nick Foles, he couldn’t show a sign of respect to the guy that OBVIOUSLY has Brady chilling nice and warm in his back pocket? You lost, dude, so either get the fuck over it or start popping estrogen pills now. I mean, what kind of guy is so much of a pussy that he can’t at least pretend to have some appreciation for the way someone else plays the game. Losing in the playoffs my senior year of high school was absolute worst feeling of all time, but even in my ride-the-pine-and-don’t-complain 17-year-old-self was able to walk over and shake the other team’s hands after a heartbreaking PK shoot-out. If you’re the best player of all time, you should be able to sack up and admit defeat.
Again, I will never argue with anyone who tells me that Brady is the GOAT. The man won six rings. Yeah, I count it as six. Go ahead cry about it. In 2004 he cheated against the Birds, and in the Super Bowl against the Rams, the man did absolutely fucking nothing to deserve a win. I’m being generous by giving him half a Super Bowl for each of those years. Anyway, I’m not trying to disrespect the guy’s ability. All I’m saying is that he is a complete and utter pussy, and I’m tired of hearing about how awesome he is. He’s a walking, talking dork. Give a public apology to Nick Foles for snubbing him after the Super Bowl, and then maybe I’ll consider ending my hatred for you, Tommy. Thank you for reading my TEDTalk.