I Rather Get Kicked In The Balls For 10 Days Than Deal With The Hiccups For 10 Days

10 days of hiccups, and he didn’t kill himself. I don’t know how that’s possible? If I have hiccups for 10 seconds, I’m ready to end it all. I’m willing to make my wife a widow and my daughter fatherless. I’ve been called a baby and a pussy when I’m searching for water or soda as I hiccup and cry like a baby. I rather get kicked in the balls for 10 straight days. Think about it you wake up, get it done and over with, deal with some pain for 20-35 minutes, and then live the rest of your day in peace. You have hiccups for 10 straight days; there is no peace.

The Brazilian President dealt with the Coronavirus last year, and the doctors said that the long hiccups could have been a side effect of the virus. I know that the world dealt with a global pandemic that killed millions, but the fear of having hiccups scares me more than anything. If I would’ve known this, I would’ve been god damn bubble boy for the entire year of 2020.

There are dozens of ways to deal with hiccups, but doctors and scientists have no certified way to get rid of them. This is what doctors and scientists should have 100% of their attention on. Fuck space, fuck stupid science experiments. I want a 100% way to get rid of hiccups.

The first hiccup remedy I found after googling it was to breathe into a paper bag. Fuck that, take a plastic bag and put it over your head and let that plastic suffocate you, end it all because of hiccups. The second remedy I found was to pull your knees to your chest. What the fuck google? What about the handicapped people like myself who can’t get their knees past 70 degrees. The third remedy was to sip ice-cold water. I don’t understand this one. I have to chug water and make myself burp; sipping water doesn’t do that.

These are old wise tales that have been passed down from century to century. This is the same bullshit as beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, never fear. As you know, as your head is buried in the toilet, that shit doesn’t work. Same with these hiccup remedies. We need real science and doctor bullshit to get rid of hiccups.

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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