I Think We Need to Bring Back Bullying

Alright. Before I actually get into this, I feel like it’s important to note that I don’t think that causing actual emotional or physical trauma to someone is ever okay. As someone who’s dealt with some mental health issues, I think it’s really important not to make someone’s life completely miserable. When I talk about bullying, all I’m really saying is that we as a society need to bring back making fun of people like me, who spent four years playing in the honors jazz band. Seriously. I think it’s a crime that I was able to go through my entire high school career and never once have someone tell me that I was kind of soft for taking part in an activity made especially for virgins like my seventeen-year-old self. Now maybe I escaped my deserved punishment because I went to a private Catholic high school where everyone was just too good of a person to engage in that type of behavior, but let’s face it that’s simply not the case. I think that this a worldwide crisis in which people everywhere are being spared from being made fun of for the activities they took part in that were most definitely the reason they started paying for porn at fifteen.

It’s not really that I even have a problem with people like me being able to avoid any sort of shit sipping, which is the occurrence of one man being served the insult equivalent of the sour brown water that comes out of your ass after a night of drinking capped off with a thirteen-dollar Taco Bell meal at 5 a.m. The main issue with a lack of shit sipping, though, is that it automatically correlates with a lack of the beautiful art of shit serving, and I will not stand for it. Learning to shit serve to your peers is an essential piece of every young man’s life, and we can’t have a world where that doesn’t exist. 

Now don’t get me wrong: shit serving still exists, and it exists in glorious standing-on-the-table-flexing-while-you-skull-fuck-your-roommate-in-Madden fashion. I am concerned, though, that because when I sat in my first math class freshman year of high school and was able to say completely unscathed that my fun fact was that I knew how to solve a Rubix cube, we’re going to eventually lose the brilliant forms of affectionate character assassination that happen between only the closest of friends.

Again, I’m not saying anyone should start being a dick to everyone they know. I just want to make sure you know that if your friend tells you he doesn’t want to drink a beer on Tuesday night because he feels more like chilling out and playing Minecraft, you owe it to the good of all mankind to kick him right in the ovaries and tell him to stop being a pussy. I can see a future where the delicate skill of procuring a sixth month Florida time share in your best friend’s head achieved through years of merciless and cruel psychological torment no longer exists, and it’s not one that I think any of us would enjoy, which is why it’s so important that we make sure that bullying regains its prominence. It is only through this that we will be able to save the magnificently toxic bonds that are formed by it.