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I Tried All The College Drugs So You Don’t Have To

College has this weird effect where you just feel invincible. There’s a feeling that your actions don’t have any consequences and that death can’t even come close to you over your four years. While this feeling isn’t anywhere near the case, it still drives our decision making — our horribly awful decision making. Due to our blatant stupidity and ignorance, college students inevitably end up experimenting with a lot of substances. However, because this is both dangerous and often a waste of time and brain cells, here is a free guide to all the drugs you are bound to be offered in college.

Marijuana

If you need me to tell you whether or not smoking weed is safe, you either fought in Vietnam or were home-schooled your entire life. Either way, go spark up. Marijuana is just as much of a drug as alcohol at this point except you are scientifically less likely to die from it and it’s way easier to drive off of. Yes, smoking anything is bad for your lungs, but between weed, nicotine, and cigs odds are you’re going to succumb like the rest of us. If you are really that cautious, take an edible, but those have calories and its cutting season so figure out your priorities.

Adderall

There is bound to be some girl in your COMM 101 discussion that turns her crippling ADHD into a mini-Narcos scheme. She won’t be hard to find and you will probably make some friends who are mutual customers. Will the adderall help you write your 10-page paper in two hours? Definitely, but it will also make doing work without enhancers 100 times harder, so beware. Regardless, taking the powder out of the capsule to snort it instead is fun, but don’t act like you’re doing it because “it enters your bloodstream faster.” You’re not a scientist, you just need to cram for chem.

Cocaine

This is the most overrated drug on the face of the Earth. Chances are you will be offered a line within your first two weeks and will say yes by the end of the month. Coke addictions are incredibly real and you should be concerned about them. That being said, if you want to feel like the Messiah for approximately 12 minutes and then have a pounding headache for the next six hours, I guess it’s worth trying once.

Molly

The party drug. It’s called this because you only want to take it at a party, and a good one at that. Nothing is worse than dropping molly only for the cops to come and shut everything down. You don’t want to sit alone on a couch chewing seven pieces of Juicy Fruit for five hours, so make sure you do it with friends and at a venue with loud music that definitely won’t flop. If you do, you will have a great night. Don’t do molly too often, though. Otherwise, you realize how much life sucks without it and be depressed for a couple of weeks.

Mushrooms/Acid

I put these together because they have extremely similar effects. I recommend shrooms over acid. While both are an extremely good time, shrooms are natural and have absolutely no negative side-effects. Meanwhile, I can assure you that at some point one of your very normal friends will start taking acid regularly, become the biggest fan of tie-dyed Nirvana shirts, and drop out of school to work at 7-11 and attend musical festivals for a living.

Percocet

Freshman year one of your friends will go home for wisdom teeth surgery and come back with a bottle of Perc 10s. You will all nervously take them, act depressed, and blast Lucid Dreams. They will do nothing. If you really want to be Juice WRLD you’re gonna need a Perc 30. Please don’t take a Perc 30. He died, remember.

Xanax

We all remember the saying “beans, beans they’re good for your heart…” You know what else they’re good for? Waking up in someone else’s house without shoes, your phone, or dignity. You will remember absolutely nothing, but also feel extremely refreshed like you just slept for 16 hours, which you honestly may have.

Ketamine

I only did Ket once and it was in a hospital for medical reasons. When I woke up, I thought I had died and was speaking with an Italian accent. Would I do it again in a hospital? Maybe. Would I ever consider taking horse medicine for fun? No fucking chance. 

Valium

This is the most underrated drug in the history of the planet. If you ever go to Mexico, bring me back some. Imagine floating on a cloud and being physically unable to frown. That’s valium. It honestly shocks me every time at how such a small pill makes me fall down so many times, but fuck I love it so much.

Whippit

This shit is just stupid. I don’t know what gives it away. Maybe it’s the balloon you need, or the fact that it’s intended purpose is to make whipped cream, or maybe it’s that you are literally draining your brain of oxygen just so you can feel dizzy. Is it the best feeling in the world? Possibly. Should you begin doing them daily? NO. Not only are they expensive (standard price is $1 per, but if you’re doing them right you will go through 50 easily in one night), but you literally destroy your brain and wake up with dementia.

Heroin/Crack/Meth

Simple rule to keep in mind: if you need a spoon, it’s a bad idea.

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Written by Alex Becker

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Alexa, Talk Like Great Grandpa Please