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I Wish I Were a Girl on TikTok

Bobby’s blog from today got me thinking a lot about TikTok, and I think that I, like most of you, waste about an hour scrolling through that fucking app every single day. I can honestly say that my ForYouPage has reached a point where I’m getting a decent number of videos that I get a kick out of. If anyone found out that I laughed at those videos, I’d get a call from Pitt’s Dean of Students kicking me out of college in disbelief that anyone would find that video funny – not because anyone being angry at me for actually laughing at them. For every good, dark humored video that I find, though, there are four videos of girls – who I pray are eighteen – wearing close to nothing and twerking for millions of views. And look, I’m never going to not watch that full video. I don’t know if it’s wrong because of like objectifying women or something, but c’mon, I see a girl whose tits are halfway out of a shirt that looks four sizes too small… what do you expect me to do? I’ve never been ashamed to appreciate a good-looking female before, so why should I start now? I just genuinely love that. And apparently, so do the millions of other people who like the video. But recently, I’ve been having serious jealousy of these creatures lacking Y-chromosomes. That’s right, I’m going to say it. I wish with all my heart that I could be one of them.

I spend a pretty good chunk of time thinking of, planning, and writing each one of these blogs. Even though it may not seem like it, I put in a lot of work to try and put out funny content on the internet. Look, I’m proud that a few of my blogs have been read by 30k people (Shameless flex there. I’m a pretty big fucking deal), but God, life would be so much fucking easier if I were a hot girl. I mean while I spend my days trying to think of how I can take a clever or funny angle on something, these girls get to just dress up in bikinis and, as they have enough skin exposed, get a million views as long. And make no fucking mistake: I don’t look down upon anyone who does that. I am a big supporter of each and every one of those girls because as much as I wish I could get paid by TikTok and pick up sponsorships, I’m just not hot enough to do it. Who knows how long TikTok is going to stay so dominant in the social media field, and who knows how long these girls have before they’re not the hottest trend on the earth? They’re taking advantage of the situation that has been created, and they’re doing it in a way that I get a nice boost of crotch dopamine each time they post a new video. I just wish I could do the same thing because I’d throw a video of me twerking to whatever the trendy song of the week is in a heartbeat – if it meant I could get half the viewership that they do. 

Unfortunately, though, while God did grace me with an ass bigger than any girl that I’ve ever met in person, I was not put on this earth at a time where I can shake that thing on the internet for anything except a notification that I am violating one or seven of TikTok’s community guidelines. Instead, I’m just one of the many dudes admiring the erotic content that gets put out there on the daily, and I sit there wishing that I could be one of them. God, my life is hard.

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Written by VinegarStrokes

Above average intelligence, below average weiner.

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