If Beers Rushed Fraternities

Rush might be one of the shittiest rights of passage in all of greek life. Whether you are a guy who has to flirt with dudes for hours on end or you’re a girl who has to be fake for a week straight, rush sucks. Being on the other side of rush at least allows you to experience the phenomenon that is rush stereotypes. Semester after Semester history repeats itself and the same types of kids walk through the front door of your frat. Instead of these same kids what if beers rushed fraternities?

Bud Light would be the kind of rushee that gets recruited during pre-rush and will be a guaranteed reliable pledge. Some brothers could see him having a go at president in the future. Miller Light is Bud Lights boy from home. He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed but boy does he like to have a good time. If he doesn’t die from alcohol poisoning during pledging he’ll be a great pledge master in the future.

Natural Light is the type of beer that just screams frat as soon as they walk in the door. The backward snap-back hat he is rocking physically couldn’t sit higher on his head. His dap-up stamina and accuracy are unmatched by any other rushee. Instant bid. Corona is the kind of beer that brings that Latin flavor your fraternity has been lacking. Stella Artois would be weird at rush but you find out he’s a future prince and his dad is filthy rich. The possible donation and the idea that his accent might play well with the woman forces you to bid him. 

Paps Blue Ribbon would show up to rush wearing 90% camo, croakies around the neck, and a john deer hat. He will be referred to as “Big Country” throughout the entirety of his time at the house, and he is a phenomenal body to back you up at the bar. Michelob Ultra is a 6’2 jacked rushee that lives in the gym. He was a three-sport varsity athlete in high school and can run a sub-6-minute mile. He is a necessity for your fraternities intramural legacy and you instantly bid him. As you can see, it’s pretty obvious that as long as you are a beer there is a place for you at the frat house.

Written by Brady White

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