If You Do Any Of These 4 Things I Hate You

Wash Your Dishes Immediately After Use: I’m no slob, but I simply can’t trust you if you don’t let your dishes soak in the sink for at least an hour or two. I’m not saying I want my friends to have kitchens that smell like the back of Casey Anthony’s Pontiac, but it’s common knowledge that dirty dishes are a later problem. Maybe I do it just to spite my Mom in the most cavernous parts of my brain, or maybe it’s just caveman DNA, but nothing is sexier than a pot with crusty old pasta cemented to its sides soaking in soap and water. 

You Always Want To Talk About Last Night: The “last night” guy is the worst. Not to be mistaken with the drought god that got laid for the first time since Kobe died, this asshole routinely gets laid…and ALWAYS wants to talk about it. It’s almost like he didn’t cum during the physical act of having sex; he holds it in and busts a nut over getting validation. You could be telling him about the anxiety you’re feeling from your Mom’s blood transfusion, and he would respond with, damn bro blood. How long does Coke stay in your bloodstream? Because like you must have seen me and Jess last night ripping gators dude. She started giving me the most agressi-. Shut the fuck up! What do you want me to say to you? Dude no way that’s so sick I would actually velcro my tongue to that girl’s asshole? I’m not giving you the satisfaction; I hope you go mute or get chlamydia. 

You Are The Worst Kind of Sports Bettor: If it’s the first quarter and you’re screaming because the Dolphins got a first down on the Lions…shut the fuck up. You aren’t Stu Feiner or BarstoolBigCat; you’re just an asshole with queso on his Patagonia. He intentionally bets seven leg parlays just so he can overreact when RedZone pops up. Giving this kid attention is the worst possible thing you can do because he will never stop WILDLY overreacting to minutiae sports moments. Don’t get me wrong, if you had a bad beat, by all means, punch as many holes in the wall as Falcons have in their secondary, but I’m risking getting viruses on my computer to illegally stream football, not you. 

You’re Too In Shape: I go to the gym. I think I’m in decent shape, but whenever I’m getting close to being in GOOD shape I take a step back because I don’t want to be an asshole. As soon as March 1st rolls around, this motherfucker starts his nights with the same fucking Mike Bibby Vancouver jersey and ends them shirtless. Odds are you see him on six different girls Snapchat stories dancing shirtless at 1:32AM. His Instagram stories alternate between Rap Caviar music we’ve all heard before and grilled chicken. Most of the time, this kid is the horniest motherfucker you know, and he SUUUUUCKS. Have a beer and stop shaving your body, you fucking weirdo.

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  1. Many people think sharks are just obsessed with working out, but actually they HAVE to keep swimming all the time or they will die.

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