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If You Sold Your Penn Stock You’re An Idiot

Say what you want about Dave Portnoy, but the man is not a liar. The reason many people my age became fans of Barstool in the first place is because it’s one of the only media outlets that is transparent, or as my italian grandfather who calls the booster shot “an ios update for my arm,” would say, “they just tell it like it is.” In a world where AT&T flies a rainbow flag in June, we all pretend that we don’t watch step-sister porn, and the kids from Stranger Things get applauded for tweeting about gun violence, every reasonable person would be drawn to a public figure that tells the truth. And quite frankly, the truth is that any straight guy would absolutely fuck hot twenty-year-old girls in a mansion if they could. I mean, fuck, I’m going to spend $74 in an attempt to bring a halfway decent girl to my studio tonight. 

Do I think Portnoy is the best guy on Earth? Fuck no; he’s not supposed to be. He’s an internet comedian. I wouldn’t expect a person whose job is to make people laugh to be the next Nelson Mandela, and you shouldn’t either. I would expect my politicians not to use insider trading information to profit while people in their states can’t afford Sonic, but hey, maybe I’m crazy. 

So yeah, if you didn’t hold your Penn Stock, you’re a fucking moron. I’m buying more as we speak. No matter how many corporations and Hollywood elites pretend they are activists, this country is made up of everyday guys like you and me who just want something real. God save the queen. 

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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