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Instagram Stories and Birthday Shoutouts: The New Nightmare

You see all those lines in the picture above? Each line represents a reposted birthday shoutout. Take a second to process that. That person sucks.

This is going to be a quick blog because the longer I write about this topic, the more my blood starts to boil. Christ, just thinking about this is giving me a hernia. 

If it’s your birthday, happy birthday. Congrats. It’s a big day, but it can also be a tough day. You want as many people as possible to wish you happy birthday without jumping on instagram and blatantly saying, “Hey fuckers, it’s my birthday. Wish me a happy birthday.”

Honestly, I’ve posted something like that before just because of the irony. But I’m allowed to do that because I’m socially aware.

But as vain as that is, I’d rather people do that then participate in this plague that is going on now. I don’t know which idiot pioneered this trend, but whoever this person is, he or she should be tossed in jail. 

Here’s the nightmare that is happening: Someone posts a birthday shoutout for you on their own instagram story. You then hit that button that says ‘post on your story’ and WHOOSH, their story is now on your story. 

Wow. It’s like magic.

Here’s what fries me to my core. I guess somewhere along this practice, someone decided that everytime they get a happy birthday shoutout from someone else, they feel obligated to repost it. Every single one.

This changes everything. This isn’t about making sure people know it’s your birthday anymore… Now it’s about showing social media how beloved you are. The more shoutouts you get, the bigger the star you are. 

I mean isn’t that just ridiculous.

Another new symptom of this virus comes from the part when people actually give the shoutout. They know that their story is going to be reposted, because it’s practically automatic at this point, so they make sure that they themselves look good. Instagram stories now are beginning to look more well done and polished than actual instagram posts because people know that they will be shared and reposted. 

So it’s no longer about the birthday shoutout, it’s about looking good and making sure it’s seen by as many people as possible. 

While trying to not look vain, you become more vain than the word vain can describe.

Crazy crazy world we live in. 

The worst part about all of this is if it’s someone’s birthday and they clog their instagram stories with other people’s shoutouts, I am no longer thinking about that person’s birthday. I’m thinking about the finger cramp I’m getting from tapping through 35 fucking slides just so that I can exit off of the god damn page!

If it were up to me, you’d be allowed one repost. Just one. And that’s it. You get to repost someone else wishing you a happy birthday, one time, just so that you can inform your entire social media following that it’s your birthday all so that you can get a text from someone you talk to twice a year which says, “Hey Happy Birthday!”

God forbid, what a fucking world.

One repost. No more. Jesus Christ.

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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