Introducing “The Steroid Olympics”

The Olympics have a new fierce competitor: The Enhanced Games.

Founded by Australian businessman Aaron D’Souza, The Enhanced Games are an Olympic style event premiering in 2024 in which performancing-enhancing drugs are not just legal, but encouraged.

The Enhanced Games biggest moral values are fairness and science. D’Souza’s believes that we currently live in a world where technology is advanced enough to make humans more athletic. He wants to utilize modern science to its fullest by allowing PEDs in order to achieve athlete’s absolute performance. The Enhanced Games aim to show the real, positive effects steroids can have on athletics. D’Souza says that his games “will obliterate all the world records” by “unlocking human potential.”

As the founder of the games, D’Souza believes that PEDs level the playing field for everyone who takes them. He even goes as far to say that athletes who were caught doping in the past have been “vilified.” 

According to The Enhanced Games website, “Each Olympiad another cohort of brave athletes sets new world records only to have their medals revoked, their careers suspended and their names dragged through the mud. It is time to end this oppressive cycle.”

Critics were quick to condemn the games, claiming steroid use is unhealthy and could lead to adverse health effects. In a statement from the Austrian Olympic Committee, chief executive Matt Carroll said “We know next to nothing about this organization but sport needs to be clean and it needs to be safe for all athletes. The Australian Olympic Committee believes the concept of a drug enhanced games is both dangerous and irresponsible.”

Though no set date or location for the events, they are expected to take place in 2024. Similarly to the Olympics, The Enhanced Games will be split between track and field, swimming, weightlifting, gymnastics and combat sports.

Though steroid use is encouraged, D’Souza welcomes any and all athletes to compete, even ones whose training is completely natural. “And I hope that the bold, natural athlete shows up to the games and says, ‘Hey guys I’m natural, I’m still WADA compliant and I’m going to beat all you guys’ – that is going to be great television,” he said.

Honestly, I think this is a fantastic idea. Sure, steroids aren’t great for your health, but outside of shrinking your wiener size down they probably won’t kill you. Also, odds are these athletes have been doping for years before this anyway, so it’s not like they are being put at a significantly higher risk of health consequences.

In terms of pure entertainment, this is going to be electric. All of the best baseball players ever took steroids. You know why they were so fun to watch? Because they hit absolute nukes out of the park. Now imagine boxing, but with dudes who are 350lbs of pure muscle. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t be awesome.

The Enhanced Games have begun promoting the incredible athletic talent which many of their competitors hold, even posting a video of a track star that supposedly broke Usain Bolt’s 100m dash.

Obviously, you can’t compare a PED record to a natty record, but it’s still sick to watch humans compete at their absolute peak. So while a bunch of science health nerds can say “we don’t know about the long term effects blah blah blah,” I’m all for The Enhanced Games. I just hope we’ll be able to bet on it.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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