Investigation: When Do “Afters” Start?

Group of attractive men drinking beer and wine, laughing and hanging out together

Prior to diving into the nuances of when the “afters” begin, let’s first go over the typical occurrences of a Saturday/Friday night spent going out with friends. This initial step is crucial as it allows me to describe my usual night out, allowing you to make comparisons with your own experiences. Plus this way, you guys in the Facebook comments won’t complain about it. Just kidding, you still will.

9:30-10 PM: This is when the “pregame” starts. People are over, energy is high because everyone thinks they’re going to get laid tonight. Your buddy brings his weird friend but since it’s the pregame, you don’t really care. Thumbs are working while texting every girl on your phone asking if they’re going out tonight. Talk to the girl at the pregame and see if you have a chance tonight. Lay the foundation for a good/decent night.

10:30 PM: Pilgrimage to the bars via Uber. This is my personal favorite because I can talk start an unwanted political conversation with the Uber driver and work on my small talk. Throw in a couple of “Thanks Boss” and “How do you like Uber?” and you’re basically at the bar already. Strategically in the same Uber as the girl, you think you have a chance with.

11 PM: You pay $20 cover for some terrible bar that doesn’t have the dollar sign next to their prices and immediately head to the bar cause the girl you were talking to in the Uber already found a guy who is in the MLB. 0/1. Meet some random dudes and ask them if they golf or have any other hobbies. Finally, go up to a girl and ask her what she’s drinking. After a grueling 2 minute conversation, you decide you’re just going to black out.

2:15 AM: Find every friend that you came with except for the girl you were talking to when you first walked in because she went home with the guy who plays in the MLB. Call the Ubers back to wherever you came from. Think about how you bought a girl a drink and she didn’t even say “Thank you”.

So after all this time, we have gotten here. The afters start at around 2:30-3 AM and they consist of random dudes standing in a kitchen talking business and saying they should golf in the morning. Everyone is drinking cheap beer and if you’re lucky, someone door dashed a load of Taco Bell.

Written by TFM Stelly

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