Alex Becker
This is my proudest accomplishment to date. I am about to break some crazy news to the entire world. Seriously.
I’ve done some real hardcore journalism over the past 36 hours and am certain that I hold information being kept secret from the general public. I know you’re probably skeptical, but stick with me because I’m gonna lay it all out nice and clear.
Yesterday, at precisely 11:00am EST the Little Caesars Twitter account posted a video introducing a new, revolutionary pizza — the Corncob Pizza.
Yes, you heard it right. Corn on the cob will be on a pizza. Actually I take that back. The corn on the cob is not just on the pizza, it’s the crust. Oh, and to make matters even more obscure the pizza also comes with a 2 liter bottle of melted butter. Sounds like a joke, right? That’s what I needed to find out.
As soon as I caught wind of the news, I immediately jumped to the comments to see if the pizza was legitimate. Majority of people were wondering the same thing. Many people were super excited. And a few horribly disgusted. Yet, one common theme arose throughout the comment section. Little Caesars was responding to all of the top comments, confirming the pizza is in fact real. Despite their claims, the 2 liter bottle of melted butter still had me pretty doubtful.
However, just a few hours later, Little Caesars posted a Tiktok that once again introduced the Corncob Pizza and its 2 liters of melted butter. Even more so, they have since changed their Twitter bio to read “In our 🌽 era” and even tweeted out some more promos for the culinary masterpiece.
But let’s be frank, just because they posted something online doesn’t make it true — just ask Manti Te’o. I was so confident Little Caesars was bluffing. There is just no way that a crust made of cob is edible, or that ingesting 2 liters of melted butter on a pizza could not result in an immediate heart attack. I was sure this was all a facade — until today.
This morning, Tiktok food reviewer with almost 3 million followers @how.kev.eats reviewed the infamous pizza. He had it. The real thing. Video evidence and all. It was right before all of our eyes. The glorious Corncob Pizza.
For a moment, I believed. I believed that the Corncob Pizza was real. I believed once again that America truly is the greatest country in the world. I believed anything was possible. But that belief only lasted a second.
I soon realized that Kev’s video was a sponsored advertisement. He had been paid by Little Caesars to review the pizza. Seems fishy, but that wasn’t enough evidence to conclude the pizza’s falseness. However, I also realized that Kev never mentioned the melted butter or gave the pizza a score out of 10, a typical staple for any of his videos. Instead of a rating, Kev simply says “why this over the pretzel crust that people already like?” Hmmm, interesting.
So at this point, I am genuinely confused. On the one hand, there is no way this is a real pizza. On top of being skeptical this pizza could even be mass produced, I’m not even sure the FDA would allow it to be sold for health reasons. Yet, on the other hand, why would they go through all of this trouble for something not being sold?
I needed an answer and there was only one place to find out: my local Little Caesars establishment.
Though I am not typically a Little Caesars fan, I drove down to my neighborhood LC to ask the employees some questions about their knowledge of the corn pizza. The information I received was shocking.
Upon first asking about the availability of the Corncob Pizza, the employees seemed unsure of how to answer. I asked if I could order one at that time to which they replied “not yet.” When asked when it would be available, employees acted as if they weren’t sure. They were playing coy and I didn’t appreciate it. So I just got straight to the point and asked them man to 16-year-old cashier with braces, “Is the Corncob Pizza real?”
After a long dramatic pause, the cashier said “I’m not supposed to say anything, but it’s fake.” Not only is it fake, it’s a cover up. Yep, something even bigger is in the works and this is just a marketing ploy for attention. So what is the Corncob Pizza hiding?
THE PRETZEL CRUST PIZZA IS BACK. You heard it here first. The famous Little Caesars Pretzel Crust Pizza is making a legendary comeback in about two weeks (not official timetable). So while it is unfortunate that the Corncob Pizza with 2 liters of melted butter won’t grace our dinner tables anytime soon, we should all be ecstatic about the remarkable return of the Pretzel Crust Pizza.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading about my investigative skills. I have put more effort in this piece than I have anything else in my entire life. To be completely honest, I’ve never even had the Pretzel Crust Pizza, but like most secrets, if Little Caesars went through all of this trouble to hide it — it’s gotta be good. I will update further upon its release.
